Read Through the Pages of Me

Wow.

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I had been searching for a new poet to fall in love with and apparently the 17 year-old of myself had some secrets that I didn’t remember. I stumbled across Andrea Gibson’s poem Photograph while scrolling through my memories on Facebook. I swear, it’s like I had never heard that poem before, like I had never heard the beauty of her voice as she performs from the heart. After perusing the internet for a while I found this poem- Yarn. The entire thing is golden; I am in love with it.

Listen to these words.

I don’t know the words to the song you were born to sing,
but I know your fingers will bleed when you play the chords
and maybe you’ll need me then like I need you now
when I say that I miss you I mean something more.
I mean I’ve been biding my time till you kiss me again.
I keep poems like secrets and then tell them when I’m tired of hiding who I am.
I am missing you most
in the silence between songs on my favorite record.
Sometimes it takes so long for the music to start.

The entire poem is filled with this painfully vulnerable love. I can honestly feel my heart breaking as I listen to her talk about the silence between the songs on her favorite record. Those brief moments that you are left with nothing to occupy your mind with can seem eternal. Moments without the one you love, seem eternal.

Have you shared the secret parts of yourself with someone before? No, I don’t mean physically. It’s too easy to give away those parts of yourself, to pretend that those parts of you are precious; they aren’t. Now please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that the giving yourself to someone isn’t special. It is, but if you haven’t told them your secrets, then you’ve never been truly naked in front of them. Share the parts of your heart. Share the parts of who you are not what you have. Share something more.

If you’ve never been truly vulnerable in front of someone like that, it’s scary. It isn’t easy to stop hiding who you are. It’s not easy to let people in. Don’t do it with just anyone. Do it with someone who deserves to know you. With someone you trust. With someone that will take all the things you’ve shown them, place them in their heart, and love you more because of it.

Not everyone is worthy of that gift. Not everyone deserves to know you to the core. It’s not an easy thing to say, but don’t let someone know all about you out of obligation. Let them in because you want them there. Let them in because you want them to know you. Let them in because in those little moments of silence, their voice is there. When you’re feeling safe.

Do not live your entire life having never shared the depths of yourself with someone. I know, I know. I told you not to let someone in unless they deserve it. What I mean is, don’t live life with someone you feel you cannot share yourself with. Don’t allow yourself to hide who you are within. You deserve to be you. Every single multifaceted side of you is magnificent. Don’t hide it.

And if you love someone, don’t hide it. Don’t hide yourself. Don’t hide your love. Don’t hide your dreams. Be free. Crack open the book of yourself and let them read the pages. Allow their finger to trace after every line as you open yourself up to them.

-LP

If you’re interested in hearing more spoken word from Andrea Gibson and supporting a blogger like myself, follow the link below.

 

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Take a Load Off

You Deserve Peace.

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If you’re fighting through something or you are facing adversity, you are not alone. Know that and let that sink in. There are millions of us feeling the same way as you. I know how easy it is to feel alone when you feel like the bad guy, or if you feel like you deserve to feel like crap. You don’t. I promise you, you don’t.

I came across this poem by Najwa Zebian that is honestly just fitting my life right now and I think you folks will enjoy.

these mountains that you are

carrying,

you were only supposed to

climb.

How beautiful is that? I mean truly. We all have some sort of burden that we carry with us and sometimes it’s insanely hard to escape the reality that we need to let it go. Sometimes we feel as though it’s our job, it’s our cross to bear, but that’s not always true.

We are not Atlas. We don’t need to carry the world upon our shoulders. So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed; if you’re feeling like you’ve got too much to handle, maybe it’s time to take a step back and look at the situation from another point of view. Maybe you were only meant to face these problems, not carry the burden of them with you. You deserve peace. You deserve joy. You deserve to feel happy and free. Regardless of where you are in life or of what you’ve done; you do not deserve to spend your life unhappy.

If you’ve made the hard decisions; you are brave. If you made the easy ones; you are human. If you’re facing hard times; you’ll become stronger. If you’re feeling alone, please know that you’re not. If there are consequences to deal with, deal with them. The repercussions may be great, but that doesn’t mean you cannot handle them. You can handle this. Have faith.

Take some time and forgive yourself, because if you don’t you won’t find peace. Sometimes it’s better to hurt someone than to keep living a lie. Sometimes it’s better to let go than it is to hold on. It might not seem like it at first, but give yourself some time and the truth will be revealed. Sometimes the hard decisions are the ones that need to be made. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one nonetheless.

Darling, just love yourself. Love others. Love life. Just Love.

-LP

P.S. If you’re interested in reading more poems by Najwa Zebian and supporting a starving blogger, like myself, click the link below and check out The Nectar of Pain.

One Day, I’ll Forgive Myself.

Today was supposed to be my first wedding anniversary.

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Instead I’m alone and it hurts to say that it’s because I’m choosing to be. Life would be so much damn easier if I loved him. It really would be. I tried for so long. I put in so much work. I cut off pieces of myself so I could fit into the little spot he had for me. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, I wasn’t happy. I tried tricking myself and it backfired. I tried fixing an already broken relationship with marriage (don’t ever do that, take my word for it).

Today I’m hurting.

I’m hurting because I know I’m hurting someone else. I’m hurting because I know how much it sucks to lose someone that you love. I’m hurting because it sucks having to be the bad guy. It sucks when your reaction to someone crying is to hug them and tell them you take it back, but you know you can’t do that. Not again. It hurts knowing that I’m making the right decision even though it’s the hard one. It just fucking hurts.

My heart is aching. I’ve never had to wound someone in such a terrible way and this was never my intention. I went into this marriage promising to stick it out no matter what, promising to love him no matter what, promising that I wouldn’t let go. I made so many damn promises that I just cannot keep and it kills me. It’s terrible to know that I lied to someone like that. I knew I couldn’t keep them. I knew it but I still let him offer me his heart and I gave them a tiny, barely there, sliver of mine.

It’s not fun knowing that you’ll always be the villain when they tell the story of their life. Knowing you’ll be the person their future children will wonder about is hard. The thought of the nights they’ll spend alone because of you is heartbreaking. I never meant for this to happen. I didn’t know that the pieces of myself that I had removed so damn carefully could grow back. But they did.

They grew back and I’m back to who I always was. I’m back to the person I had left behind because I was trying to play the part he had for me. I swear I memorized those damn lines. I did. I walked the walk and I talked the talk. I put in all the time and energy I could, but how can you pour out more from a cup that’s empty?

My cup is parched. It’s damn near bone dry. And I’m so sorry. It’s a hard reality to face knowing that you’re breaking up a family and sending them back to a place they thought they were done with. Back into the dating pool. Back to needing a date for weddings. Back to spending Christmases alone. I’m ruining a life he had planned for us and I know it.

But what can I do?

Am I supposed to pretend that it’s okay? Am I supposed to act like these changes he wants to make for me are good enough? That’s the worst part. He’s willing to change. He’d give it all up for me, but it’s still not enough. How terrible is that? He just isn’t it for me. My God, that’s a terrible realization.

I should have known.

He’s a good guy, he is. He’s nice and he cares about me. He loves me more than I love him and I thought I’d be okay with it, but I’m not. I signed my name on that damn dotted line and thought that guilt would never hit me in the chest like a freight train, but I was wrong. I was so wrong.

A year ago today, I was so damn terrified to walk down the aisle that I could have thrown up. I should have turned around, ripped that damn dress off of myself, and ran down the street. I wasn’t strong enough. I can admit that. I’m stronger today. I’m stronger because I told him I wanted a divorce and I let him cry alone and didn’t console him even when I wanted to. I wanted to take away the pain I had caused. I never meant to bring that into his life.

Yesterday I told him flat out that I want a divorce. Before I had just said I needed space. When I told him, I was greeted with yelling and pure rage. Which I suppose I deserve… I understand why his words came out like knives. Why I saw pure hatred in his eyes when he looked at me. Why his voice broke when he told me all he wants is a family with me; when I told him I need more than that.I knew I had it coming. I knew I deserved it. I feel terrible for making him deal with the pain I’ve caused.

What makes it worse is that I’m in love. As  much as it hurts me to hurt him, I’m in love. I am in love.

Does that make me a terrible person?

Probably.

But he makes every love song have meaning. He’s taught my heart something entirely new. He inspires me. I want to cry when I think about how full my heart is because of him. He doesn’t ask me to cut away parts of myself to fit into his plans. There’s no script to memorize with him. I wish I had known he was coming… Maybe then I really would have ran down those church stairs, hopped on a plane, and into his arms. Maybe then, today would have just been the day I almost got married.

If only.

-LP

Help! I Need Somebody!

I have a confession to make: I need validation.

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It’s not very modern, but it is very honest. Sure, lots of people will think that’s weak of me to say, but it’s true. It’s an innate human quality that cannot be over looked or ever totally snuffed out. It’s in our DNA. From birth we need to have some form of validation; we need to know that someone understands our emotions, our feelings, our needs, so they can meet them for us when we are incapable of doing so ourselves.

Please stop trying to kid yourself, that doesn’t just go away. It’s okay to need to feel validated. Quite honestly, I sit on my computer or check my phone to see if anyone has liked my posts or commented way too often, but that’s because your opinion of me does matter. Why is it that we so regularly try to pretend that we don’t care what others think?

I’m guilty of doing that myself, I must admit.

In my late teen years, I pretended I didn’t give a crap about anyone’s opinions of me, but I was lying to myself. It’s like when you’re telling yourself you’re choosing to be celibate because you haven’t gotten any in a while. Well friends, slap the sign on my forehead because I’m open for business.

I. Do. Care.

We all do. It’s okay to admit that to yourself even if you can’t tell your friends. But guess what! If you can’t tell them, it’s because you need the validation and want them to like you, and that’s okay. That’s the whole damn point of this rambling post. We all need people to validate us, to make us feel like we have something to say that’s worth listening to.

I am lucky enough to have someone that I can talk to and know that he’s listening even if he isn’t responding. Sometimes you need to have that little monologue and just get your thoughts out, but it’s so important to be able to share them with someone else; it makes it feel real. It makes it feel like they actually matter.

I think we’ve all had that experience when we’re trying to tell someone something that you’re super excited about but no one is listening and you just give up about halfway through; it makes you feel a bit like crap. We’ve all been there and if you haven’t, then you’ve got some pretty bomb ass friends.  Tell them to call me because I need that in my life.

So, friends, do your best. Let people know that their thoughts, feelings, and ideas matter to you. Make sure they feel listened to. We all just want to figure out our own mind and sometimes, in order to do so,  we have to share with others. Validate others and they will in turn validate you. Listen up and actually give them the time of day, because maybe no one else has before. There’s a first for everything, so be that first for them.

-LP

P.S. If the title of this post reminded you of The Beatles, here’s the song you’re looking for.

Lazy Sunday Wisdom with Calvin and Hobbes

I’d like to start out by saying that you can expect to see some Calvin and Hobbes Wisdom each Sunday, so keep your eyes peeled!

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Let’s be realistic here; who likes to leave their comfort zone? If you raised your hand, put that bad boy back down because you’re lying;  if you’re not lying please come find me and teach me your ways. Seriously though, how much do you charge?

It’s so much easier to just be comfortable and never put yourself out there, but it is so damn important that we don’t fall into that trap. However, I will say that I’ve been there, done that, and I’ll probably do it all over again (and probably once more, if we’re being honest). That being said, it’s truly no way to live life. So let’s make a pact to set down that tablet, cell phone, or put away that computer, get off of our butts and go explore the world around us.

All too often we are so wrapped up in our technology or other crap that just truly does not matter. We would rather live life vicariously through others than actually live it ourselves. We can’t accept that any longer. I know how hard it is to put yourself out there, especially if you suffer from anxiety or anything of the sort.

But just do it.

Seriously. Just do it. It’s scary, it’s hard, there’s no denying that, so I won’t even try to. But just realize that you can’t live your life hidden in the corner of your apartment. Stop standing by the walls at the party. Don’t sit in the back of the classroom. Go socialize! Go explore! Sit in the front, dammit! Try it. It’s going to seem uncomfortable and weird at first, but once you do it a few times it will  get easier. I promise. It won’t always be scary.

I totally understand that sometimes you just need someone to be the catalyst and get the ball rolling, so grab a friend and hit the streets. The world is your damn oyster (is that cheesy? Yeah, but who doesn’t like some cheese? Sprinkle that shit on everything.).  If someone is pulling your hand and trying to get you to go explore with them, grab a hold and take that first step! Calvin needed his dad to push Hobbes and himself out the door; his father even told him that he would enjoy it, and he was right!

See? As much as we hate to admit it, other people can be right! Especially our parents. Our parents are generally right, if we’re going to be honest. Which we are, because why stop now?

They might share their wisdom in an off-putting way, and because we are obviously so much cooler and hip we choose to ignore it, but give what they have to say a quick listen.

Try to understand the jist of what they’re saying and then apply it to your life in a way that makes sense to you. They truly have your best interest at heart even when it’s hard to see it. I must admit, I used to be pretty damn guilty of pretending that my parents were never right; that they could never have possibly gone through this situation or even have a frame of reference. I think that’s just how it is when you’re a child, regardless of your age.

I’d like to think that I’ve outgrown that phase, to an extent. I’ll admit that I still disagree with my parents, sometimes just because I must know better, right? I mean I am 23 and I’ve basically seen it all (note the sarcastic tone). Let’s be real though, when it comes down to it, our parents are wiser as much as we hate to acknowledge it.  Hopefully one day when I’m old and gray, explaining why my child’s actions are wrong or just plain stupid, they’ll hop onto this little diddy and realize that I too, felt just like them.

Maybe one day.

-LP

P.S. If you’re interested in seeing which book this strip came from, and helping out a starving blogger, follow the link below!

Is it Getting Hot in Here or is it Just Me?

Someone grab a thermometer, this baby fever is out of control.

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When I was a teen, babies were terrifying. Like who wants something that only burps, poops, and sleeps all day? Well… uh, I.. um, kind of…do. I can feel the 16 year-old version of myself rolling her eyes. “Sure, kids are cute, but I like to play with them and send them home to their parents,” she says.

And she’s right.

I’ve got those hopes and dreams to chase after first. I want to be able to stay up late, not because some baby is crying, but because I’m in the middle of a great chapter or because I’m enjoying the company of someone beside me. I’m not ready to give up my selfish ways just yet. I mean seriously.

Spit up? Hard pass.

Dirty diapers? How about not…

That being said, let me say one thing: After spending years listening to Shane Koyzcan (yeah, I’m talking about him again) his poem Atlantis is seriously hitting a soft spot on my heart lately.

I mean, just listen to these words:

Maybe the best we can hope for
Is that those we leave behind find comfort in knowing
That we’re born out of love,
And not science.

That biology explains the how,
Love explains the why,
So in the event of our deaths
We hereby bequeath all of these words to you.

And they are only meant to say that
Uncertainty is something everyone goes through.
And there is not much in the way of proof
But believe me, we loved you.

I just love that line “biology explains the how, but love explains the why.” As someone with a strong foundation in biology/anatomy & physiology, I have to say that it’s crazy how scientific having a child can feel. It’s true the egg and sperm meet, things go down, and nine months later there’s a little babe. It’s just such a beautiful thing to know that biology is how that child came to be, but love is why they’re here. That’s truly magical.

I was recently talking to a fancy fella about what would be a good reason to have kids; he told me, jokingly (I think!), that it’s so we have someone to come visit us when we’re old. I’m sure many people truly feel that way, but I don’t.

I want a child because I want someone who is half me, half the person I love. To me, that’s so damn beautiful. I’m not ready for that now; I’m truly not, but it’s something I think about for sure. Once I hit 21 I started thinking babies were cute and I was about half-way considering having one, one day, in the very distant future. But now, I don’t want that “future” to be that far off.

Hopefully if the boyf reads this he doesn’t freak out! Hold your horses, babe, I’m not telling you to knock me up this instant, promise. I want the fun stuff with you first. The very fun stuff, for a very long time.

-LP

P.S. If you want to hear the amazingness of Shane Koyczan as he performs Atlantis, click on this link. You won’t be disappointed, promise. *Affiliate Link*

P.P.S. I just want to add, if you don’t want kids that’s totes cool, yo! You do you, no judgement either way. Seriously.

The Freestyle Writing Challenge

I was hunting around online for something that would get me excited and get those creative juices flowing. Luckily for me I clicked on Unbolt me, hunted through their pages for a bit, and came across this bad ass challenge.

You can check out the post here to see their awesome work and where I got my topic!

So here goes the RULES of this challenge:

  1. Open an MS Word document
  2. Set a stop watch or your mobile to 5 minutes or 10 minutes whichever challenge you think you can beat.
  3. You topic is at the foot of this post BUT DO NOT SCROLL DOWN TO SEE IT UNTIL YOU ARE READY WITH A TIMER.
  4. Fill the word doc with as much words as you want. once you began writing do not stop even to turn.
  5. Do not cheat by going back and correcting spellings and grammar with spell check in MS WORD (it is only meant for you to reflect on your own control of sensible thought flow and for you to reflect on your ability to write the right spelling and stick to grammar rules)
  6. You may or may not pay attention to punctuation and capitals. However if you do, it would be best.
  7. At the end of your post write down ‘No. Of words =_____’ so that we would have an idea of how much you can write within the time frame.
  8. Do not forget to copy paste the entire passage on your blog post with a new Topic for your nominees and copy paste these rules with your nominations (at least 5 bloggers).

My topic was: The Train Journey

So Here it is:

I had always thought that I would arrive to my destination in the simplest of ways, but unfortunatelyy for me, life just wasn’t like that.

I hopped on a train and hoped for the best. No luggage, nothing but the clothes on my back, a pad of paper in my hand, and pen behind my ear. I was ready for the journey. I wanted to see where life would take me. That one way ticket was my only option, there was no going back. Nothing was left for me there.

When the wheels beneath me groaned as they began turning down the steel beams, I realized I had made a crazy decision. I mean, who just leaves their home with absolutely nothing? I guess I do.

Well, now I do.

I had always been waiting for adventure to strike, but last night I realzied that I had been spending my life waiting and not actually exploring or seeking out an adventure. At 10pm, I realized I was done living in such a way. I. Was. Done.

I wanted something new. I wanted to experience something different. So I ran to the train station and grabbed a one way ticket with only one stipulation: It had to be somewhere I had never been before. I couldn’t keep “exploring” places I had already seen.

Where’s the fun in that?

Where’s the adventure?

That’s not me. Not anymore. Now I’m adventurous; now I’m… well, crazy. I’m okay with that, too. I just want to discover something new. Something worth writing about. There’s nothing like that around me any longer. Let’s be honest here, I can’t be a strong writer if I’m only writing about my lack-luster experiences. That’s just lame. I want to be the brave person that puts it all out on the line, the kind of person that chases the story with no concern for where life will take her.

So here I am.

Sitting beside a man on a train headed to somewhere I’ve never been. Hopefully this journey is worth the risk. Not hopefully… It will be. I will make it worth the risk. I left it all behind and I’m not going back until I’ve discovered something new. Plain and Simple. It is what it is. I can’t go back. I won’t.

I left him.

Yeah, you know who I’m talking about, I’m sure. It’s always the same person regardless of who is telling the story. It’s the person that should be enough for you, but just never is. I don’t blame him for that; he’s nice enough, but he’s just not enough. He makes me feel like the wind that blows within me is wrong. That I need to sit down, fold my hands together, and be a good, obedient woman. But I’m not. I never have been and back in the day he used to like that about me. I was “exciting” and “new.” Now I’ve become someone who just bothers him. The excitement has turned into something that’s nothing more than an annoyance; I’m no longer shiny and new to him, I’m a bit roughed up and something pretty to sit on his shelf.

I refuse to be that any longer.

Hopefully he takes care of my cat.

If not, well… I’m sure mom will stop by to check on him. Speaking of which, I should call her… She might worry. But I think she should understand, she saw me as a child. She knew the colors I had within me and the fact that I need to express them in any way possible. I’m not afraid of splashing colors on the ground or running my fingers through the wind, because I am the wind. I’m free. I’m so fucking free.

Time: 10 Minutes

Words: 629

Comments: Holy hell, my hand was cramping like a mother. Also, typos up the wazoo and a bit of grammar issues. It was so much fun though. I can dig it.

Nominations:

  1. Anyone who wishes to try it out!

Your topic: Morning Dew

-LP

You’re Sweet. I’m Sassy.

Relationships aren’t always peaches n’ cream.

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I’m sure we all have an idea as to how difficult relationships can be. That being said, it’s important to realize that loving that person shouldn’t be the difficult part. The difficult part should be the outside forces that are working on it. I’ve been in both types of relationships.

I’ve had to force myself to love someone and I’ve had to try to calm my tits about loving another. I have to say, I’m a pretty lucky gal to have experienced (be experiencing) a love like that. But shit still gets hard. You can’t always control your circumstances, but you can deal with the waves as they come. So deal with them.

Put in the work. Wake up early for that person; go to bed late for them. Do little things to show them that you care about their thoughts and feelings. Put yourself out there and show them how much love you have in your heart. You have to fill up their love bank so they’ve got something to hold onto on a rainy day. You are responsible for that. Sure, the modern world tells us that we should find joy in ourselves or things, but it’s not true. It doesn’t make you weak to have a bit of dependence on someone, it makes you brave.

You are brave for loving that person because people leave. They do. It’s not easy when it happens, but quite frankly, without the experience of pure and utter shit, you wouldn’t know what true love and joy feels like. So trust your heart, it might get a bit banged up, but it’s worth it.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed with the thought that something is missing, look at yourself. Look at your emotions and how you are perceiving the situation. Don’t blame it on the other person’s inability to be all that you want at every moment of the day; if you do that, you’re bound to be let down. Don’t expect perfection; expect imperfection and love them for it. Love them for trying.

I am so guilty of expecting myself to be perfect all the time and punishing myself when I’m not. It’s not fair to me and, quite frankly, it’s not fair to him. It’s something that I’m working on, but hey, I’m imperfect and hopefully he can love those sneaky imperfections while they morph into some form of a more emotionally stable person.

Life is hard. Once you get used to the idea that everyone is a bit banged up, it makes it easier to forgive yourself for the bumps and bruises you’re trying to mend. If you’re hurting, go lick your wounds. Take care of yourself. Open that Ben and Jerry’s pint and dive right in, the calories don’t count when your eyes are filled with tears, at least that’s what momma always told me.

Shane Koyczan said it best, “sadness is nothing more than the cost of being able to smile once in a while,” and it’s so damn true. You can’t have one without the other. I’m sure you’ve gone through some crap, those experiences might be running through your head right now, but just remember this, if you haven’t found the person who makes you forget about the shit-storm that is life, they’ll be there soon. Maybe their train is a bit late, who knows. Don’t worry though, they’ll show up and when they do, it’s okay to ask them, “what took you so long?” Odds are, they’ll tell you they’ve been unknowingly running in your direction for years.

-LP

Potato Hackin’: First Impressions

Let me give you a bit of background info on this bad boy:
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That’s literally the entire thing.

If you think that you can handle eating potatoes non-stop for 3-5 days, taking a break and eating normally-ish, and then hitting those potatoes hard again, this is the plan for you (if you’re into that kinda thing).

The boyf and I have decided to take on the potato hack for the next 5 months to see what it’s truly like. One of the things I love most about this little diddy is the fact that it’s not a diet, but it is a hack. Hot damn, would ya look at that? The first few days have been a little rough, I’ll admit; but honestly it’s been so easy to stick to. Potatoes are hella cheap and easy, so that’s a huge bonus. I have been eating strictly potatoes for about 3 days and I’ve lost three pounds already. As someone who has a difficult time losing weight (and by that I mean, I went to the gym 6 days a week for a minimum of 1.5 hours for 3 months and ate nothing but salads and protein but only lost 4 pounds), this has been a big deal to me.

This thing is a winner. I can get away with literally eating the cheapest thing around, cleaning one pot, one plate, and a fork each day… I mean, can it get much better than that?

If you’re interested, you should definitely follow the links below to check out The Potato Hack by Tim Steele and quite honestly, check out Spud Fit by Andrew Taylor, Mandy van Zanen & Time Steele, as well. (This way I can buy more potatoes!)

(Or just Google “Potato Hack,” there’s lots of information online.)

Andrew Taylor has had some amazing success following the potato hack plan. Losing 110lbs in 8 months seems crazy, but this guy did it! And, from what I gather, fairly easily too. He is such a huge inspiration and someone that has knocked out both his depression and anxiety, wouldn’t we all love to be able to say the same?!

After 3 days of eating strictly potatoes, I can say that the Potato Famine of Ireland must not have been that bad… am I allowed to say that? Whoops.

Keep it starchy.

-LP

Focus on the Motive not Motivation

What is your driving force?

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If you’re rooting your actions, thinking, etc. in something as weak as some feeble motivation, prepare to lose it. Have you tried starting a diet, making a lifestyle change, learning to recycle, etc.? Odds are, you lost motivation half way through. I get it. I’m the same way. The excitement that gives you initial inspiration quickly fades away and you’re left wondering why the hell you started this to begin with.

Find your Motive.

What is the reasoning behind your actions? Be honest with yourself. Personally, I’ve found that extraordinarily hard to do. I like to kid myself and say that I’m choosing to do whatever I’m doing based on something smart or sparking change or whatever, which isn’t always true. Half the time I’m doing something because of how it makes me feel. It may make me feel smarter; it may spark a change within myself, but that’s not the driving force behind my actions. I am. That might sound hella selfish and self-centered, but the biggest disservice you can give yourself is to pretend that you’re not a selfish creature.

We all are. And that’s okay.

Embrace the crap out of the fact that you should be driving yourself, but don’t simply find inspiration within. Let your world inspire you; let it give you motivation, but take that one step further. Once you have the motivation to begin, ask yourself “why?”

This will help you to determine if whatever task at hand is actually doable for you. Don’t waste your time on odd jobs, projects, or people that don’t inspire you. It’s a waste of your time and a waste of theirs. It’s easy to fall into the rut of sticking with things that you’re indifferent to. I know that from experience. I let the winds of the world sway me into things that I didn’t really love; things that I was just “okay” with. It took me a long time to finally realize that I had lost that creative flame that burned inside of me. I had snuffed it out by piling on things that the old, excitable, creative version of myself wouldn’t have given a second thought.

I became a person who just existed. A person who had motivation to do these lame tasks, but always ended up giving up because I didn’t have any meaning behind it, any reasoning; I was lacking motive. Passing time isn’t a good enough reason to do something. If you need to earn money to pursue your passion; Work that shitty job. Live in that tiny apartment. Eat those damn potatoes for every meal. Just do it and remember why you are. You’re dealing with the crap now so you can bask in the glow of your dreams. Follow them. Find the meaning behind them. Find your purpose. Just do it.

It won’t be easy. Quite frankly, if you’ve lost your drive for life, it’s going to be a massive pain in the ass to find it again. Just do it. Seriously. It’s so damn worth it. As cheesy as it sounds, follow that damn heart of yours. It’s truthful and worth the risk.

Always keep searching.

-LP