Life Update: One of Many

I can’t stop smiling.

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My life has been a bit of a mess the last few years, but lately… man, it’s just been so damn great. I’ve been dealing with a lot of problems and issues that I’ve been working through but even with all that, I’m still happier than ever. It’s just amazing. This path of mine has made its way up mountains, down valleys, and through the thickest of all thickets; all the while I was worried about each decision. I constantly wondered if I was making the right decision. It’s really difficult to know that, you know?

I’ve second guessed myself every step of the way, but I’ve learned -through a bunch of trial and error- that, generally, the first thought that floats through that mind of yours is often the right one. Trust your gut. Seriously. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re smart and most often our first decisions are the ones that our heart truly wants us to follow. I’ve had to make so many difficult decisions in my short life and each decision has been riddled with self-doubt, but I’ve finally made it to the other side of pure clarity. Let me tell you, the fact that I feel secure in my decision doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes feel the clouds of doubt looming overhead; it just means that I know a gust of reassurance is heading my way and soon those clouds will be gone.

I grew up thinking that earning a degree in English would be wasteful. I thought it would be amazing but not worthwhile; I thought I would be happy just writing in my free time, but I needed a “real job” to pay those bills. I spent years taking courses in education, social work, and nursing, and filling in any opening with courses in literature and writing, I finally got to the point where I had one useless degree under my belt and I was looking for something more. I knew I had always longed to complete an English degree; I had known it for years, but it was always just a pipe dream, something that was just for dreamers- funnily enough, I always called myself a dreamer.

Well folks, yesterday I got my official acceptance letter into the English program and I was able to register for courses. I furiously clicked through classes while slouched into the sofa, excitement building with each press of the button. The list of classes that I had to choose from overwhelmed me with pure joy. I squirmed excitedly in my seat as I read through the courses that I get to take and immediately bought and began reading the required text  upon selecting my courses.  I’ve always loved school, but now I am finally pursuing something I am so beyond passionate about. I know that I’m blessed to be able to at only 23 years old, but it’s been a lifetime of thinking that it just wasn’t practical to follow this dream of mine.

Not only am I able to pursue something I absolutely love, I have the support of someone who encourages me every step of the way. The boyf and I are just two peas in a pod. Honestly. I’ve never had a relationship in which I can be my true self. I’ve often found that I have to give up pieces of myself or push down the things that make me, me in order to be more palatable, but not with him. I can be excited and bouncy or sassy or sweet. I can be who I am every moment of the day. I can love things that I love and appreciate the things that he loves. It’s just spectacular.

Life is grand.

-LP

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Lub Dub

Each beat brings us closer.

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I love the feeling of a heartbeat. I remember learning a little trick in nursing school; if you close your eyes and focus on the feeling against your fingertips as you hold them to a patient’s wrist, you can feel the beat more clearly. I didn’t notice it while I was pressing my fingers against their skin, but when you stop and think about it, that beat holds so much information; without it, there would be nothing to tell.

I read years ago, that if you place your hand on a loved one’s chest and they do the same, your heartbeats can sync together. It may not be entirely true, as my research has been mostly inconclusive, but it’s such a pretty thought. I have always gone through life with the notion that I am a single entity and that my body and my effect stops and the border of my skin; but what if that’s not true? What if there is more than meets the eye?

I’d like to think that I am my own person. I’m different. No one knows the thoughts that bounce within my head nor do they know what I’m dreaming of as I sleep; part of me will always be mysterious. Part of me will be mine unless I choose to share it; I always thought my heart was a bit like that. But I’ve come to a point in my life where I want to take everyone’s fingers and place them upon my wrist, tell them to close their eyes, and realize that this voice wouldn’t be speaking to them without the beat that they feel. I want them to realize that without this heart, something we all have, I wouldn’t be here. It’s such a basic idea, but I feel that it’s one we often overlook.

I pray that one day, someone will be so in tune to this heartbeat that the moment it goes silent, they’ll feel it. They’ll place their fingers upon my wrist and long for the warm beat that once pulsed below the surface. I think we all want that; we all want to know that when the end comes, we’ll be missed. We want to know that our heartbeat is unique and when it is no more, someone will notice. Maybe it will change the way their heart beats as well. Maybe they’ll feel it in a way we never expected. I’d like to believe that they won’t feel alone; that they can close their eyes and focus on the heart that beats within them and maybe it will feel just like mine did.

-LP

Reach out, I’m There

Each part of me yearns for you in a way that only you make possible.
I only desire your touch,
Your embrace,
Your gentle kisses.
Every part of me longs for you.
I am meant to be caressed by your hands;
Kissed by your lips;
And loved by your heart.
I know you never asked for it.
You never claimed me as your own.
But I gladly stamped your name upon my skin and upon the heart that beats within.
Each cell that has joined together to create this body I inhabit,
Each freckle upon my cheek,
Each lash upon my lid,
Every molecule of every atom that have created this heart is yours.
Yours in a way that people cannot comprehend.

They won’t understand when I say I’m in love with you, I’m not saying it out of habit.
I’m not saying it because that’s what comes next;
I’m whispering it aloud because it is sincere.
It’s in my heart,
A heart that could shatter with the magnitude of love I now hold within it.

Darling, you make every sense come alive.
Every nerve is throbbing with admiration.
Each love song has new meaning.
Every emotion is more distinct because of you.
Everything feels surreal because of you.
Everything is beautiful because of you.
You brought color into a black, white, and gray life.
This lonely heart will never again feel alone
Because of you.

You have been set upon that heart.
I pray I get the honor of loving you eternally.
I want to understand you intimately.
I want to know each freckle.
I want to kiss the corners of each smile that blooms into a laugh.
I want to tell you what a beautiful heart you have.
How brilliantly you have been made.
In the darkest of nights, I long to whisper in your ear,
“You are all that I could ever hope for.”

If anyone dares tell you, “you aren’t enough,”
Do not give it a second thought.
They live in a sightless world,
I know because I used to call that place home.
I believed love was a laughable affair,
But darling, remember this,
You are so much more than merely adequate.
You’re the best there ever was and the best I could have dreamed of.
I pray those poor souls find a love half as glorious as ours,
And even then, they’d make out like bandits.
I’m amazed that I found you in the midst of a world that left me searching for something more.
A world filled with wrong turns and dead ends somehow led me to this place in which I’m standing.

Let me stand here a bit longer.
Let me love you a bit more.

Lazy Sunday Wisdom with Calvin and Hobbes

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We aren’t as evolved as we pretend to be.

As humans, we have very animalistic tendencies. We might try to pretend that we are highly evolved and analytical, but in reality we revert back to our true selves without even realizing it. I love the irony in this strip. Calvin looks down upon the ants for being what they are, creatures; he thinks it’s silly that they don’t seem to enjoy the scenery so to speak, but he immediately imitates them as he rushes to show Hobbes something new.  Aren’t we all a bit like that?

I know I’ve found myself at the park, watching the kids run around excitedly, looking at them and grinning to myself; I find myself thinking how precious it is that they’re so excited all the time, but now that I’ve taken a step back and reflected on myself… well, I’m not so different. Sure, I might not run in circles until I throw up, but when I’m excited about something, you can tell. I get bouncy and smiley; you can see the glimmer in my eyes as I discuss that which I am passionate about.

While I’m sure to some, the excitement is a bit childlike; I feel that it’s essential to keep the child within you alive. It’s so endearing to watch someone go off on something they love. While I’m not claiming the ants are running around because of joy and excitement, it relates. I mean, how often do we truly stop and smell the roses?

Not often enough, that’s for sure.

We’re all just little ants running to do what we’ve gotta get done. It’s not a romantic notion, but it is true. When we have a task ahead of us or a deadline to meet, and we aren’t being procrastinators, we are rushing to complete it. If you’ve been in an airplane before and glanced out the window, you can see the cars rushing around and people running back and forth. We not only look like ants, but we sure as hell act like them too! I might not be carrying a crumb 300 times the size of my body back home, but I’m rushing around completing tasks I have before me; let’s be real here, sometimes those damn tasks feel like a burden. I wonder if ants feel the same.

Maybe we should all “poke around” a bit like Calvin suggests. Man, I can’t even remember the last time I went on a walk that wasn’t a power walk meant to get me from point A to point B or purely meant to burn those calories. It’d be delightful to slow life down, if only for a moment. What I wouldn’t give to have a pause button that allows me to stop the world around me and enjoy the company I keep, the things I love, and not worry about what I “should” be doing.

Someone should make that and send it to me.

-LP

P.S. If you’d like to read some more Calvin and Hobbes (let’s be real, who doesn’t?) and help a baby blogger like myself, click that link below. You won’t be sorry.

P.P.S. Lazy Sundays are so lazy they come to you on Mondays.

Thank You!

You guys are amazing.

Seriously, thank you all so much for your love and support this past month. Yesterday I hit 100 likes and while that might not seem like much to some of you truly amazing bloggers out there, to a baby blogger like myself, it just feels great. I really appreciate all of your feedback and thank you so much for taking the time to read the ramblings of a gal like me.

Also, special thanks to my awesome boyfriend who gave me the nickname “Little Pebble;” I wouldn’t even have this thing if it weren’t for your encouragement. You’re the best, babe.

Stay tuned folks, I promise it’ll only get better from here.

-LP

The Future Seems Bright

I keep imagining that day,
You know, the one in which I hold you
In my arms for the very first time.
That day that’s filled with excitement
And anxious waiting for you to arrive.
I can’t help but wonder who you’ll look like
Whose eyes you’ll have.
The sound of your laugh.
The joy in your smile.
The shape of your nose.
I can’t help but wonder what kind of person you’ll be.
How you’ll love
And who.
They’ll never be good enough for you,
And I’m sure you’ve figured out by now,
I’ll always love you most.

I keep imagining that moment,
You know, the one in which your dad holds you in his strong arms
For the very first time.
I wonder what he’ll be thinking as he looks into your precious eyes
And feels your soft, fragile body against his chest.
I think we’ll both be looking down at you
Wondering how we got so lucky,
How we deserved to know what a love so pure felt like.
How we came to deserve you.
And how our love
Well, how our love made you.
And as I watch him look at you,
I know I’ll realize
I’ll always love him most.

I can’t help but imagine what you’ll be like as you grow.
How your voice will sound.
How your brow will furrow in concentration.
How you’ll be sweet and loving
And strong and fearless.
How you’ll hold your daddy’s hand
As we walk down the aisle.
Our little family
And our simple little love filled life.
I swear, I’ll look ahead at you both
And smile as I realize
I’ll always love these moments most.

Oops, I Did It Again

Swallow your pride.

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Especially when you fucked up. Seriously. I’ve never been the kind of person to apologize, just ask my ex-boyfriends, it wasn’t my best quality. But you know what? I’m working on being better, so as much as I might absolutely not want to admit that I was a jerk and as much as I’d love to just sweep all my wrongdoings under the rug, I’m going to apologize when I’ve messed up. It’s not fun and to be completely honest, I don’t want to do it because I’m a self serving person, but I guess part of growing up and trying to be a decent human being is learning when to apologize and when to ignore the parts of you that tell you, you don’t need to.

From here on out, when I’ve been an ass, I’m going to come to you like a puppy with its tail between its legs; I’m going to ask for forgiveness and truly mean it when I say I’m sorry. I won’t say it begrudgingly. I won’t say it because momma told me to. I won’t even say it because I feel like I have to; I’m going to say it because I want to and because I am truly sorry. I’m going to say it so you can know that I know I was wrong or hurtful.

If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like to admit when they’re in the wrong, I feel ya. I’m not a fan of being shown the error of my ways, but to err is human and it’s something we will never escape. We’re all just growing bit by bit, so why not accept the fact that sometimes you’re an asshole and sometimes you hurt people? Why not come to terms with the fact that being “right” isn’t the most important thing, especially in an argument when no one is right or wrong, we’re just different.

Let’s go back to kindergarten; when someone did something mean to you, they’d come back and say sorry and we’d all be playing in the sandbox together like best friends, as if nothing had ever happened.

Childhood was so easy in comparison.

-LP

It’s Closer than You Know

One day,

I’m going to love you

In a way that no one else ever could.

I’m going to peel back the layers of your heart

And wrap you up within my arms.

 

One day,

I’m going to kiss you

Like no one has before.

Our lips will dance together

And unlike our feet, they’ll never tire.

 

One day,

Well one day,

One day I’ll do it all.

And then again the very next.

 

Feel It

Be Vulnerable.

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It’s insanely difficult to actually do. It’s not easy to allow yourself to feel emotions that you have suppressed and ignored for years, but it is necessary. If you’re anything like me, you’ve got a lot of crap stuffed deep down inside of you and it isn’t easy to bring it back up. Maybe you don’t even want to try; if that’s the case, join the club. We’ll get matching jackets.

I have been completely content with pretending that I was never affected by things that happened in my childhood. I had ignored the painful memories to the point that I’ve gone years without even remembering what happened back then. I’ve gone years pretending everything was fine, when it truly wasn’t. I’ve ignored it all and pushed it so far down that I thought I was fine, or I at least pretended I was.

Today that changed.

Today I actually talked about situations in my past that I’ve literally never told a single soul about. I was in my car driving down the road crying into the receiver about moments that I had tried so hard to forget… I didn’t realize the wounds were still there. I didn’t realize that there were tears I had never cried, but ones that had been waiting years to fall. It was so hard to actually bare my soul to someone; being vulnerable has never been my strong suit, but it was so damn necessary.

I’m beginning to realize, thanks to some wise words that have been shared with me, that if you’re never vulnerable then you will always be vulnerable. You don’t even have to share it with someone else, but be vulnerable with yourself. Let yourself know that it’s okay to be hurt or upset about the circumstances you’ve faced. If you don’t, you’ll always have these wounds that you slapped a bandage over and pretended weren’t there, but all the while they were festering below the gauze. I can’t pretend to be better. I can’t pretend that everything is magically okay now, but I can tell you that while I sit here, thinking about the shit storm that has been my life with tears staining my cheeks, I feel relieved.

Allowing myself to feel hurt by my childhood and the things that have happened since has been a major struggle, but it’s something that I’m willing to go through to allow myself to let go of little pieces of the freight train of baggage I have with me. I want to be able to look back at these events objectively and grow from them. I don’t want this to affect the way I raise my children someday. I refuse to let this be something I carry with me for my entire life. I’ve just realized that this is why I used to take things so personally, because one person would say something hurtful and I already had a pot of self-doubt and pain bubbling below the surface, so their words would cause that pot to boil over, but you know what? I’m gonna be alright and so are you.

We’ve all got something that we carry with ourselves. Unless you’ve literally just left the birth canal, happy birthday by the way, you’ve got some baggage. You’re not a brand new and shiny toy without scratches and dents and that’s okay. You just need to feel secure in going to someone you love and saying, “hey, I’ve been broken and banged up a bit, but here’s who I am.” You’ve got to have the faith that they’ll love you anyway and that these precious wounds are something they won’t run from. If they run then maybe that’s because they’ve got their own crap to work through. We all do, so don’t take it personally; being vulnerable is part of being brave and some people just aren’t there yet. It’s so much easier to always be strong, but the easy road isn’t worth traveling down.

-LP

One of these Days, I’ll Get it Right

I used to take everything so personally.

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I’ve learned to  just let all the crap that comes my way roll off my back. For instance; today at work, my boss told me he wanted to hit me in the head with a baseball bat for making a simple, easy to fix, mistake that I, a brand spanking new employee, had never even been talked to about before or taught. The old version of myself would have probably cried on my drive home from work, but not today. I’ve learned to let that crap go. I’m honestly more annoyed than upset by it and even with that, it’s like minuscule compared to how I would have felt like a month ago. I’m home and I’m happy. It’s crazy to think about where my life was just a short while ago; I guess it goes to show that when you’ve got joy in your life, even shit doesn’t smell so bad.

When I was younger, I was that optimistic person who wasn’t afraid to take risks; as I grew, I got scared. Instead of having someone to push me to be brave and to be myself, I had someone who babied me and told me to basically run from what was scaring me; it’s definitely not what I needed, but I took that advice anyway. It took me a long time to get to a place in which I could appreciate someone showing me a bit of tough love. I’m insanely grateful for the people who give that to me; truly. I’m the kind of person who might complain about something, but I get more from the experience when I’m basically told to suck it up and move forward than when I’m sympathized with.

I’m a tough love kind of person; I can dish it and I’m thankful that I can take it. I like that constructive criticism because it gives me a chance to grow. So when someone comes to you and tells you about all the things you’ve done wrong, take that as a chance to become better. Did your essay turn out horribly? I guess you should that editorial process my boyfriend keeps talking about. (I hear it’s helpful.) Are your fingers fumbling around the strings of your guitar? Practice. Does your painting look muddy and lackluster? Pay attention next time and be deliberate with those strokes. Learn from what you’ve done and what people think about your work.

But, remember to take it all with a grain of salt; sometimes people just wanna be dicks. It’s cool. Let them be jerks and then let that crap go. Who cares what they think if they’re only expressing an “opinion” to be hurtful? I sure as hell don’t. They’re lame lint lickers anyway! Anyway, stay positive and stay true to yourself. If you’re like me and you just love to write, spit it out, and see what people think without revising it all that much; then do it. Even if your boyfriend keeps singing that sweet song that the editorial process is part of being “professional;” darlin’, please. I’m too young for that speak. I’m going to make an attempt to grow up someday soon, but we both know it’s going to take a bit of work on my side and patience on yours.

The moral of the story is: if crap comes your way, let it go, but appreciate the fact that it did and learn from it. Life is nothing but a whole lot of trial and error.

Keep on tryin’.

-LP