I can’t stop smiling.
My life has been a bit of a mess the last few years, but lately… man, it’s just been so damn great. I’ve been dealing with a lot of problems and issues that I’ve been working through but even with all that, I’m still happier than ever. It’s just amazing. This path of mine has made its way up mountains, down valleys, and through the thickest of all thickets; all the while I was worried about each decision. I constantly wondered if I was making the right decision. It’s really difficult to know that, you know?
I’ve second guessed myself every step of the way, but I’ve learned -through a bunch of trial and error- that, generally, the first thought that floats through that mind of yours is often the right one. Trust your gut. Seriously. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re smart and most often our first decisions are the ones that our heart truly wants us to follow. I’ve had to make so many difficult decisions in my short life and each decision has been riddled with self-doubt, but I’ve finally made it to the other side of pure clarity. Let me tell you, the fact that I feel secure in my decision doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes feel the clouds of doubt looming overhead; it just means that I know a gust of reassurance is heading my way and soon those clouds will be gone.
I grew up thinking that earning a degree in English would be wasteful. I thought it would be amazing but not worthwhile; I thought I would be happy just writing in my free time, but I needed a “real job” to pay those bills. I spent years taking courses in education, social work, and nursing, and filling in any opening with courses in literature and writing, I finally got to the point where I had one useless degree under my belt and I was looking for something more. I knew I had always longed to complete an English degree; I had known it for years, but it was always just a pipe dream, something that was just for dreamers- funnily enough, I always called myself a dreamer.
Well folks, yesterday I got my official acceptance letter into the English program and I was able to register for courses. I furiously clicked through classes while slouched into the sofa, excitement building with each press of the button. The list of classes that I had to choose from overwhelmed me with pure joy. I squirmed excitedly in my seat as I read through the courses that I get to take and immediately bought and began reading the required text upon selecting my courses. I’ve always loved school, but now I am finally pursuing something I am so beyond passionate about. I know that I’m blessed to be able to at only 23 years old, but it’s been a lifetime of thinking that it just wasn’t practical to follow this dream of mine.
Not only am I able to pursue something I absolutely love, I have the support of someone who encourages me every step of the way. The boyf and I are just two peas in a pod. Honestly. I’ve never had a relationship in which I can be my true self. I’ve often found that I have to give up pieces of myself or push down the things that make me, me in order to be more palatable, but not with him. I can be excited and bouncy or sassy or sweet. I can be who I am every moment of the day. I can love things that I love and appreciate the things that he loves. It’s just spectacular.
Life is grand.