I’m Slightly-Dependent and I’m O.K. with it.

The phrase “I am independent” isn’t always a good thing.

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Sure, it’s 2018 and the term “feminist” is now synonymous with strength, power, and independence. Women are where it’s at and men are expected to sit down, shut-up, and only come when called upon. Women are fierce and our supposedly “newfound” strength and independence is neatly embroidered on the sash we wear proudly in public. I mean, we wear hats called “pussy hats” now at rallies and proudly exclaim that “the future is female” as if we didn’t know that already.

I mean, how will procreation occur if there aren’t women? Did men suddenly become asexual? Last time I checked, generally when an XY man peed on a pregnancy test and got a positive result, that was a bad thing.

Bad as in cancer, and I don’t mean the astrological sign.

I’m all for women having equal rights, pay, and the like if we’re being rational on the topic, but the idea that I am a “strong, independent woman who don’t need no man” is not something I’m okay with.

Do I need my guy? Absolutely.

But it’s more than that, I want him too. I like when he’s around and now that he’s over 4,000 miles away I’m a bit at a loss here. I’m at a loss and there’s no one to turn to because we’re not allowed to need a man and if we do, we better not admit it. But holy hell, things are hard and I’m incredibly emotional because my period is coming. Am I allowed to say that? Well, I did.

I’m emotional, irrational, alone, and depressed. 

Life is incredibly hectic right now and, to quote one of my fav men, Bob Dylan, “I can’t get no relief.” Every day seems to be a never ending list of tasks on my To Do List, even when I’m in bed I lay there staring at the ceiling with a sense of inevitable dread.

But I’m “independent.” I always have been and I’ll always probably try to see myself that way, which is why it’s hard to admit that maybe, just maybe, I’m not. Maybe when times are hard, I do need someone else around. I could use a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to, and someone to love me. I could benefit from having someone wrap their arms around me while it feels like dawn just will not break and I think you’ve probably been there too. So why don’t we talk about that?

Why are we so proud to tell everyone how independent we are? How we don’t need anyone and no one better need us. Why do we pretend to have it all together day in and day out when we feel overwhelmed and under-qualified to face the day?

I guess I can understand it though. It’s like what I was talking to one of my friends about; we only want people to know the best of our lives. If you look on social media you’ll be greeted by the smiling faces of your friends and their perfect lives. Lives that you desperately wish you had; lives that seem so much better than your own. I’m guilty of it too; I know that’s what my pages look like. My closest friends were shocked when they found out my life was crumbling around me 2 years ago because I hid it well. I still hide it pretty well, for the most part. So I guess I have to explicitly state it:

My life is a mess, and I don’t mean the kind of mess you can wipe up with a swiffer. It’s a break-out-the-big-guns-where’s-the-shopvac? kind of mess. I’ve let myself get pulled in so many different directions that I don’t have a place to stand anymore. Sure, galpals are incredible and essential, but sometimes they’re not enough. My family is great and I know that my dad in particular would listen to any problems I may have, but that isn’t what I want nor is it what I need.

What I need is to let go of the emotions that I’ve been bottling up for the last few weeks and just have a nice and long cry fest in a hot bath, followed by wine and ice cream in a fluffy bed with the love of my life next to me while we watch YouTube videos of cats, bad movies, and sassy home cooks. What I need is to know that the light at the end of the tunnel is not just a flashlight, but the actual sun waiting for me. I need to know this shit-show will end soon. I need to know I can make it.

-LP

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Love Can Hurt, Distance Doesn’t Help

I could spend forever with you and it still wouldn’t be enough.

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I’ve been told to write about that which you dwell upon and I guess you could say I’m dwelling on this.

I honestly don’t know where to begin with this. I’ve tried writing this post for the last hour and I’m still just swimming in thoughts mixed with distractions, all of which are laced with a painful reminder that I’m here and you’re there. And I just want you here.

I’ve learned a lot these last three months that I’ve spent loving you while simultaneously being in the same country as you, in the same space as you.

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Now that I’ve been spoiled with the knowledge of what it’s like to hug you, kiss you, and do all the things that we’ve done, I can’t forget it. For a year, video calls were enough for us.  Sure, we wanted more, but we knew that it would come and we knew that we would be together. I suppose we still know that, but now the moment we were looking forward to is in the rearview mirror on this road in which there is no U-turn.

I don’t even know where to begin in order to unburden myself of this heartache, but I suppose the beginning is the best.

This past October, I packed my bags and boarded a plane on my way to you. I spent 15 hours traveling and attempting to contain my excitement as I flew across the Atlantic. I had no idea what to expect and honestly I didn’t have any expectations, I just knew within my heart that the next three months would be amazing… and they were.

We’ve experienced so much together, all of which only deepened and strengthened my love for you. From our trip to the cottage in Puumala, to the weekend in Gdansk, and even our day at the zoo, every day started with waking up beside you, and ended asleep beside you. Precious moments turned into memories and I swear it happened all too fast.

I hadn’t realized how quickly three months could fly by, but now we’re here at this phase where we aren’t together anymore because over 4,000 miles separate us. After having my lips against yours every day, this distance feels insurmountable. I feel hollow without you in my life and after returning to a place I had called home with ease, it doesn’t feel like home.

I feel alone in a place I used to feel relaxed in. Your presence in my life is so potent that I can’t help but to wonder how I had gotten on without you before. I can’t even explain why I feel so sad, I just do. I can’t sleep without you anymore; at first I thought it was jet-lag, but now I know it’s more than that.

IMG_2995I was told that when you are away from home for an extended period of time, you’re never really able to fully come back. I hadn’t believed it before, but I do now. This is no longer my home. The time I spent in Finland had felt so natural that now I don’t know who I am or what to do. I spend my days here thinking about going back as quickly as possible, knowing that I won’t be able to for many months. I find myself wondering what we’ll do if the position I have at the Helsinki based company falls through and it terrifies me.

I’m not afraid that we won’t make it. I’m not afraid that the distance will win. I’m not afraid of anything to do with us; I have no doubts about the strength of our relationship, but I just feel alone. I know that it’s not easy on you either. I know that you’re forced to live in our flat alone. You walk to the shop alone and sleep in our bed without me. You’re living our life without me and I can’t even imagine how that feels.

I guess you’re right though, this is the cost of having something amazing. We have something truly amazing. It’s been over a year and I’m not only madly in love with you, but I’m not annoyed by you, and I still crave your presence. All I want is a life with you and I know that’s what you want to.

There’s been a lot of rambling in this post, but it’s just been a way to decompress and let go of some emotions… maybe this will help me stop crying randomly during the day.

-LP

Tonight

Seeing dad like this has made me think of you.
How you’ll be when you’re older.
How your heart beats within your strong chest.
How your thighs are shaped and your face so young.

Seeing dad like this makes me wonder.
What it will feel like if you waste away before me.
How it’ll feel to see my strong partner, suddenly weak.
So I’m going to cherish you like this now.

I’ll plant extra kisses on your strong hands
And the legs that hold you up
And the cheeks that are so young.

I’m going to hold onto you extra tight tonight
And tell you how tenderly I love you
And every wrinkle that appears, I’ll kiss
And every ache you have, I’ll massage away.

I’ll memorize your face tonight,
Run my hands across your body as if I’m reading Braille.
I’ll feel your pulse beneath my finger tips and kiss you in time with its beat.
I’m going to memorize you tonight darling,
Before tomorrow comes.

I’m Yours; I’m Mine

Don’t forget that I’m a person
Once you’ve spent all your days with me.
Darling, I know it’s not easy,
But remember what I used to be.
I used to be so daring,
I used to be so new.
Back when I was just a girl,
Before I meant anything to you.
So don’t forget that I’m still me;
Don’t forget the way to woo.
Remember how you loved me,
And I’ll remember how to love you.

When I’m no longer mysterious,
When you know my every curve.
Promise to love me like you did,
Love me like I deserve.

Maybe one day you’ll see me,
And maybe I won’t notice.
You’ll get to be a stranger,
And I’ll be the one you can’t kiss.
You’ll see me like the rest do,
You’ll see my from afar.
And I’ll be on my own,
I won’t be on your arm.
Instead of looking at me like you’re other half,
You’ll view me as a whole.
You’ll see me like I used to be
Before I stepped into that role.
And I’ll get to be me again,
And well, you’ll get to be you.
Maybe you’ll smile to yourself,
Because we both know we’re no longer new.

I get to be your partner,
Yeah, I signed my name on the dotted line.
While that means I belong to you,
It also means I’m mine.
So don’t forget that I’m a person.
Don’t forget that I’m still me.
But when I return home that night,
You can’t help but look at me and see
That while I’ve turned into the woman you love,
Somehow I’m able to be
More than just your partner,
Somehow I’m still me.

You’re Babetastic

I’m the kind of gal who knows what she wants.

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I can write all about it. I’ll tell you how to touch me and where my soft spots are. I’ve got a heart and boy, I know how to let you grab ahold of it. It’s never been something that I kept secret, however it’s always been a bit too out of reach for most. I don’t want someone who merely plays the part of the perfect companion. I’m truly not interested in it; what I am interested in is having a person who loves me in a way that I didn’t know I wanted.

I’ve got that now.

I’ve got a guy who loves me in his perfect way. He sasses me back. He makes me smile. His heart is the heart I’m after and the one I want linked to mine. He is just wonderful and I’m feeling hella mushy today so… please excuse the mush overload that is known as this post.

When I met him, I realized I was wrong; having a creative partner is such an amazing and necessary experience. I never thought much of the fact that any person I had shared my time with wasn’t the “creative type.” It wasn’t ever an issue it was just fact. The one downside was that, if I shared anything with them, it always amazed them; now don’t get me wrong, I’m a gal who likes to woo with words, BUT it’s so wonderful to be able to discuss works in progress with my guy. I love that I can go to him with my thoughts or my struggles and he just gets it. He understands what it means to just want to be immediately amazing at your skill because he’s been there. He can vent his frustrations over his mix to me and I can truly sympathize with him. I can’t speak for my guy, but I’m so damn grateful for this creative and wonderful partner of mine.

He has shown me a different side of myself. I can accept that maybe all metal music isn’t half bad. “B” movies are pretty damn amazing to watch. I’m a morning person, at least when it comes to talking to him, I’ll happily wake up an hour earlier than necessary just to have my morning/his afternoon chats. I can push through hard times with a bit of encouragement, and by-golly, he gives it to me. He makes me feel like I can achieve my dreams and that they’re not too far fetched.

He keeps me grounded when times are hard. Just this past weekend I was stressing out over this little blog of mine; wondering if I could do it or not. I’ve been worried about what kind of writer I’m becoming, of what kind of person I’m trying to be… He asked the questions that forced me to reflect on what’s important to me, listened to me, and wrote down what I said to show me that I do know what I want and where I want to be. He does these little things without being asked, somehow he knows what I need.

His voice perks me right up. The sassy ghetto voice he does when he’s feeling silly. His fruity voice he does when he’s feeling a bit saucy. His super deep manly voice when he’s working real hard on asserting that masculinity of his. And his regular, wonderful sounding voice when I first hear it each morning. That initial “Hey, babe” melts my heart and instantly paints a smile upon my face; it makes me want to run out and buy up all the mistletoe I an find just to pull out a sprig anytime he walks by and plant a kiss on his cheek.

Also, he’s pretty damn babetastic. I mean… that doesn’t need any explanation.

Grow old with me, babe.

-LP

Lazy Sunday Wisdom with Calvin and Hobbes

Kid’s say the darnedest things.

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Calvin is no exception. Knowing my personality and that of my other half, we are seriously in for it when we have kids; then again, what parents don’t feel that way? Calvin chooses to imitate his father in such an amazing way; he doesn’t choose to complain about cleaning his room or doing chores, but rather he goes on about  building character. I’m sure that years from now, were Calvin a real lad, he would be able to appreciate the tasks his father made him complete. Building character isn’t easy, but it’s something you’ve got to (sometimes) force your kids to do.

Looking back on my childhood really makes me grateful for my father. He always chose to put my brother and I first. He always had our best interests at heart, even if it didn’t always feel like it. As a child and then a teen, we butted heads constantly. He’s definitely the guy I get my hardheadedness from, but he’s also the one I look up to most. He’s the person I most want to be like when it comes to both parenting and life. He’s strong and has always been the kind of parent that I feel beyond grateful to have been blessed with.

My dad has countless stories of me from when I was a sassy child. Come on over, he’ll talk your ear off about both my brother and I; I was the spunky and hardheaded one. My little brother was much less confrontational with my parents back then and we’re both pretty much the same way. I’m still sassy and outspoken and he’s the quiet one. While my dad has plenty of stories to laugh at about the two of us; back in the day, it was no laughing matter. When I sassily told my dad that he didn’t come with an instruction manual so I just didn’t know how to deal with him, I know he fought back the laughter; just like when I was forced to write sentences for talking back and I drew one line from the top of the page to the bottom for every I, L, and T in the sentence “I will not talk back.” He let me off the hook for that one, because he thought it was so clever. He’s told me that he had no doubt I was his kid  and that he would have his hands full when I came to him with that page.  When it come to your kids, sometimes it’s hard to hold in the laughter, even when you should.

Although I don’t have any children of my own, babysitting has definitely given me a bit of an idea as to how sassy children can be. Goodness, it’s so hard to not laugh at them when they’re being little sassy sasquatches. I guess that can be a big struggle as a parent; your kids do something hysterical and you’ve got to try to keep your composure to not encourage their  little sassy episodes, even if you secretly love them.

Calvin’s parents sum up most parents; you want to be mad, but you can’t help but to laugh the moment you get a moment to yourself. All in all, we want to raise children to be productive members in society. It’s our responsibility to give them the tools they need to figure out this thing called life and it’s not an easy thing to do, but I’m sure it’s rewarding. Teach those little babes well.

-LP

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P.S. Lazy Sunday wisdom is so lazy it comes to you on Mondays.

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How Will I Know if He Really Loves Me?

I’ll be me; you be you.

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Accept who your partner is and what they love. Appreciate their views and respect their opinions. Make them feel heard and loved. It’s too easy to accidentally allow someone to feel unloved by passing over the things they care for or by ignoring their feelings. It’s something you learn from experience. It truly is. In my very limited dating experience, I’ve learned how important that is. I’ve had boyfriends that I liked but didn’t even pretend to care about the things they enjoyed and vice versa.

You realize how much that can hurt someone when you’re the one dealing with the indifference. I’m not saying you have to love every single thing they do or even slightly agree with them on every topic, but it’s important that you two at least have the same basic foundation. If you don’t, it might be time to reevaluate that relationship.

The boyf and I don’t agree on everything, we don’t even like all of the same things, and I’m glad for it! I love how different we are and I think it’s so important to have those differences. You don’t want to date yourself, that’s just no fun. He might not like dancing, but knowing that he’s willing to dance with me sometimes makes my heart flutter because I love dancing and I want to share that with him. I’m not a huge fan of Star Wars (don’t kill me), but I’m more than willing to watch them with him because he likes them. Who knows, maybe I’ll become a nerdy Star Wars person because of him, I’m okay with that. I’m open to loving some of the things he loves, but that metal music will just never be my fav, sorry babe.

Regardless of our differences, we’ve got the kind of foundation that can last us a lifetime. We’ve got basically the same sense of humor. We tell inappropriate jokes at inappropriate times. We can talk about anything from religion to politics and we’re respectful of each others opinions even if we disagree. We do our best to make sure that the other person feels cared for and loved because we do love each other.

But we love each other differently. If you want to show your partner love in a way that is meaningful for them, you need to learn your partner’s love language and try to speak to them in that way.  For instance, my main love language is Quality Time followed by Words of Affirmation; this is what makes me feel loved and cared for, but if my partner’s love language is something like Physical Touch or Acts of Service, then that is how he feels loved and is how I should try to show him I love him. It might seem a bit weird at first, but it’s really nice to know how your partner feels loved because it allows you to at least attempt to love them in a way that is meaningful to them. If you’re interested in finding out your love language you should totally take the free test by clicking here and suggest that your partner does the same.

If your relationship is struggling, look and try to figure out why. If they’re belittling things you love, your opinions, your ideas, your dreams, get out. You deserve to be with someone who loves and supports you at all times. That’s not to say that fights aren’t going to happen, because they are. You can’t escape them, but you need to know how to handle them and keep the love alive while you do. Kiss them if they love being kissed; spend time with them if that’s how they feel loved; do what you can to show that you care.

Don’t let that love fade away. If it’s true, it’s worth the fight.

-LP

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You’ve Got This

Isn’t it great with things just fall into place?
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I have been slightly freaking out the past few days. Just ask the boyf, I’m sure he’d agree. I was worried things wouldn’t work out in my life. I was wrong. And so are you. Things will work out for you, I promise. It might not be the way you’re hoping for or even a way you’d expect, but they will work out.

I had been waiting for a call about a new job which is desperately needed to allow me to afford to head over to Finland next year. I got it and now I have a sense of security in knowing that I’ll be there soon. That “one day” isn’t as far away as it really seems. This opportunity just locked down my future with him. How silly is it that I needed this to make me feel like it was doable? It’s ridiculous, I know that; but when you’re in the thick of it, you’re not thinking clearly.

I know you might be thinking that it’s easy for me to say this now that things have officially worked out, but they haven’t for you, not yet. I get it. When people tell me to just have faith that it will all be okay, I get slightly irritated. No one knows what the future will hold. No one.

But it’s better to stay positive and just hope for the best. Cross your fingers, wish on 11:11, wish on your eyelashes, on the first star you see each night, do whatever it takes to try to put your mind at ease. Meditate. Pray. Listen to music. Write. Go for a run. Do anything! Just try to put your worries to rest and know that no matter the outcome, you’ll make it through.

It’s easy for me to say now, but about two hours ago I wasn’t feeling so confident. So I suppose this post is meant for myself in the future; this is for when I’m nervous to fly across the Atlantic. This is for when I’m nervous about my first day. For when I’ve got to go to court. For when class is hard and I don’t feel like studying. This is for when I’m scared or worried or feeling alone. And this is for you.

If you’re ever feeling less than 100% confident, know that it’s normal. Know that it’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to have moments of weakness; those moments do not define us. It’s how we handle them. It’s what we learn from them; that’s what defines us. You might have some hard life lessons ahead of you; you might have just learned one today, two days ago, last year, whatever. You might be struggling. You might be scared. If you are, know that you’re not alone. We all feel that way. We’re all afraid at some point.

You’ll be okay. It might take some time, but you will be. Anything worth having is at least slightly scary, so don’t let that stop you from following your dreams. Dream big. Take risks. Know that not everything will work out exactly how you expected, but it’s worth the experience. It’s worth knowing that you tried.

-LP

Take a Load Off

You Deserve Peace.

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If you’re fighting through something or you are facing adversity, you are not alone. Know that and let that sink in. There are millions of us feeling the same way as you. I know how easy it is to feel alone when you feel like the bad guy, or if you feel like you deserve to feel like crap. You don’t. I promise you, you don’t.

I came across this poem by Najwa Zebian that is honestly just fitting my life right now and I think you folks will enjoy.

these mountains that you are

carrying,

you were only supposed to

climb.

How beautiful is that? I mean truly. We all have some sort of burden that we carry with us and sometimes it’s insanely hard to escape the reality that we need to let it go. Sometimes we feel as though it’s our job, it’s our cross to bear, but that’s not always true.

We are not Atlas. We don’t need to carry the world upon our shoulders. So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed; if you’re feeling like you’ve got too much to handle, maybe it’s time to take a step back and look at the situation from another point of view. Maybe you were only meant to face these problems, not carry the burden of them with you. You deserve peace. You deserve joy. You deserve to feel happy and free. Regardless of where you are in life or of what you’ve done; you do not deserve to spend your life unhappy.

If you’ve made the hard decisions; you are brave. If you made the easy ones; you are human. If you’re facing hard times; you’ll become stronger. If you’re feeling alone, please know that you’re not. If there are consequences to deal with, deal with them. The repercussions may be great, but that doesn’t mean you cannot handle them. You can handle this. Have faith.

Take some time and forgive yourself, because if you don’t you won’t find peace. Sometimes it’s better to hurt someone than to keep living a lie. Sometimes it’s better to let go than it is to hold on. It might not seem like it at first, but give yourself some time and the truth will be revealed. Sometimes the hard decisions are the ones that need to be made. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one nonetheless.

Darling, just love yourself. Love others. Love life. Just Love.

-LP

P.S. If you’re interested in reading more poems by Najwa Zebian and supporting a starving blogger, like myself, click the link below and check out The Nectar of Pain.

One Day, I’ll Forgive Myself.

Today was supposed to be my first wedding anniversary.

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Instead I’m alone and it hurts to say that it’s because I’m choosing to be. Life would be so much damn easier if I loved him. It really would be. I tried for so long. I put in so much work. I cut off pieces of myself so I could fit into the little spot he had for me. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, I wasn’t happy. I tried tricking myself and it backfired. I tried fixing an already broken relationship with marriage (don’t ever do that, take my word for it).

Today I’m hurting.

I’m hurting because I know I’m hurting someone else. I’m hurting because I know how much it sucks to lose someone that you love. I’m hurting because it sucks having to be the bad guy. It sucks when your reaction to someone crying is to hug them and tell them you take it back, but you know you can’t do that. Not again. It hurts knowing that I’m making the right decision even though it’s the hard one. It just fucking hurts.

My heart is aching. I’ve never had to wound someone in such a terrible way and this was never my intention. I went into this marriage promising to stick it out no matter what, promising to love him no matter what, promising that I wouldn’t let go. I made so many damn promises that I just cannot keep and it kills me. It’s terrible to know that I lied to someone like that. I knew I couldn’t keep them. I knew it but I still let him offer me his heart and I gave them a tiny, barely there, sliver of mine.

It’s not fun knowing that you’ll always be the villain when they tell the story of their life. Knowing you’ll be the person their future children will wonder about is hard. The thought of the nights they’ll spend alone because of you is heartbreaking. I never meant for this to happen. I didn’t know that the pieces of myself that I had removed so damn carefully could grow back. But they did.

They grew back and I’m back to who I always was. I’m back to the person I had left behind because I was trying to play the part he had for me. I swear I memorized those damn lines. I did. I walked the walk and I talked the talk. I put in all the time and energy I could, but how can you pour out more from a cup that’s empty?

My cup is parched. It’s damn near bone dry. And I’m so sorry. It’s a hard reality to face knowing that you’re breaking up a family and sending them back to a place they thought they were done with. Back into the dating pool. Back to needing a date for weddings. Back to spending Christmases alone. I’m ruining a life he had planned for us and I know it.

But what can I do?

Am I supposed to pretend that it’s okay? Am I supposed to act like these changes he wants to make for me are good enough? That’s the worst part. He’s willing to change. He’d give it all up for me, but it’s still not enough. How terrible is that? He just isn’t it for me. My God, that’s a terrible realization.

I should have known.

He’s a good guy, he is. He’s nice and he cares about me. He loves me more than I love him and I thought I’d be okay with it, but I’m not. I signed my name on that damn dotted line and thought that guilt would never hit me in the chest like a freight train, but I was wrong. I was so wrong.

A year ago today, I was so damn terrified to walk down the aisle that I could have thrown up. I should have turned around, ripped that damn dress off of myself, and ran down the street. I wasn’t strong enough. I can admit that. I’m stronger today. I’m stronger because I told him I wanted a divorce and I let him cry alone and didn’t console him even when I wanted to. I wanted to take away the pain I had caused. I never meant to bring that into his life.

Yesterday I told him flat out that I want a divorce. Before I had just said I needed space. When I told him, I was greeted with yelling and pure rage. Which I suppose I deserve… I understand why his words came out like knives. Why I saw pure hatred in his eyes when he looked at me. Why his voice broke when he told me all he wants is a family with me; when I told him I need more than that.I knew I had it coming. I knew I deserved it. I feel terrible for making him deal with the pain I’ve caused.

What makes it worse is that I’m in love. As  much as it hurts me to hurt him, I’m in love. I am in love.

Does that make me a terrible person?

Probably.

But he makes every love song have meaning. He’s taught my heart something entirely new. He inspires me. I want to cry when I think about how full my heart is because of him. He doesn’t ask me to cut away parts of myself to fit into his plans. There’s no script to memorize with him. I wish I had known he was coming… Maybe then I really would have ran down those church stairs, hopped on a plane, and into his arms. Maybe then, today would have just been the day I almost got married.

If only.

-LP