I’m Slightly-Dependent and I’m O.K. with it.

The phrase “I am independent” isn’t always a good thing.

victoria-bilsborough-392394.jpg

Sure, it’s 2018 and the term “feminist” is now synonymous with strength, power, and independence. Women are where it’s at and men are expected to sit down, shut-up, and only come when called upon. Women are fierce and our supposedly “newfound” strength and independence is neatly embroidered on the sash we wear proudly in public. I mean, we wear hats called “pussy hats” now at rallies and proudly exclaim that “the future is female” as if we didn’t know that already.

I mean, how will procreation occur if there aren’t women? Did men suddenly become asexual? Last time I checked, generally when an XY man peed on a pregnancy test and got a positive result, that was a bad thing.

Bad as in cancer, and I don’t mean the astrological sign.

I’m all for women having equal rights, pay, and the like if we’re being rational on the topic, but the idea that I am a “strong, independent woman who don’t need no man” is not something I’m okay with.

Do I need my guy? Absolutely.

But it’s more than that, I want him too. I like when he’s around and now that he’s over 4,000 miles away I’m a bit at a loss here. I’m at a loss and there’s no one to turn to because we’re not allowed to need a man and if we do, we better not admit it. But holy hell, things are hard and I’m incredibly emotional because my period is coming. Am I allowed to say that? Well, I did.

I’m emotional, irrational, alone, and depressed. 

Life is incredibly hectic right now and, to quote one of my fav men, Bob Dylan, “I can’t get no relief.” Every day seems to be a never ending list of tasks on my To Do List, even when I’m in bed I lay there staring at the ceiling with a sense of inevitable dread.

But I’m “independent.” I always have been and I’ll always probably try to see myself that way, which is why it’s hard to admit that maybe, just maybe, I’m not. Maybe when times are hard, I do need someone else around. I could use a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to, and someone to love me. I could benefit from having someone wrap their arms around me while it feels like dawn just will not break and I think you’ve probably been there too. So why don’t we talk about that?

Why are we so proud to tell everyone how independent we are? How we don’t need anyone and no one better need us. Why do we pretend to have it all together day in and day out when we feel overwhelmed and under-qualified to face the day?

I guess I can understand it though. It’s like what I was talking to one of my friends about; we only want people to know the best of our lives. If you look on social media you’ll be greeted by the smiling faces of your friends and their perfect lives. Lives that you desperately wish you had; lives that seem so much better than your own. I’m guilty of it too; I know that’s what my pages look like. My closest friends were shocked when they found out my life was crumbling around me 2 years ago because I hid it well. I still hide it pretty well, for the most part. So I guess I have to explicitly state it:

My life is a mess, and I don’t mean the kind of mess you can wipe up with a swiffer. It’s a break-out-the-big-guns-where’s-the-shopvac? kind of mess. I’ve let myself get pulled in so many different directions that I don’t have a place to stand anymore. Sure, galpals are incredible and essential, but sometimes they’re not enough. My family is great and I know that my dad in particular would listen to any problems I may have, but that isn’t what I want nor is it what I need.

What I need is to let go of the emotions that I’ve been bottling up for the last few weeks and just have a nice and long cry fest in a hot bath, followed by wine and ice cream in a fluffy bed with the love of my life next to me while we watch YouTube videos of cats, bad movies, and sassy home cooks. What I need is to know that the light at the end of the tunnel is not just a flashlight, but the actual sun waiting for me. I need to know this shit-show will end soon. I need to know I can make it.

-LP

Advertisements

Momma Knows Best

My hands reached for books,
Words have filled my head.
Boys like smart girls,
At least, that’s what momma said.

She had her plans,
A life filled with ribbons and pearls.
College is meant to meet boys;
Because after all, we’re only girls.

Momma, I tried,
I swear I never meant to,
But somewhere along the way
I realized I had a brain, too.

Those books gave me thoughts,
Ideas of my own.
And now I long for to do more
Than spend my days in our home.

But now I’m so torn,
Because all of my life,
I always dreamed of being a mother and wife.

So I jumped into it;
I said “I do,”
He said he loved me
And sometimes I thought it was true.

He told me I was pretty,
I was all he had hoped for;
But no one knew what happened behind closed doors.

I longed for more,
But I tucked it away.
I knew I was lying
Each and every damn day.

I know I’m young,
I’ve got so much left to do.
I’m only twenty-three,
And I’ve already disappointed you.

I wore the pretty dress,
Momma, I read the lines.
I tried so hard,
But I also have a mind.

I long to learn,
To explore and discover.
And all these lost years,
Well they’ll never be recovered.

Momma I tried,
I promise you, I really did.
But it turns out boys don’t like girls
With this many thoughts in their head.

Technically, I’m running.
So yeah, I guess you’re right.
But I can’t fix this
And I don’t wanna fight.

I long for my freedom,
For the wind in my hair.
And we both know I could never explore
If I would have stayed there.

So I’m hitting the road,
I’m turning my back on that man.
And I guess I’ve kind of ruined
The future you had planned.

I hope one day you’ll get it,
You look at me and understand.
I’ve always felt like myself,
With a book in my hand.

I know someone will love me,
They’ll want to hear the thoughts in my head.
When we have a daughter,
She’ll say, “that’s what momma said.”

I’ll tell her to think,
To be courageous and be strong.
I’ll tell her thinking for yourself,
Well that’s never wrong.

I’ll look at her dad,
Wrap my hands around his waist.
I’ll tell her running away,
Was the best difficulty I’ve ever faced.

These mistakes led me to him,
And in turn gave me you.
I’ll say, “maybe after all,
That’s what momma knew.”