It’s Been Awhile

I think I owe you an update.

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It’s been a long 8-ish months since I’ve posted anything on LPA and for that I sincerely apologize. Life has gotten incredibly crazy and I feel like I’ve been living in a bit of a blur. Not only did my snazzy Finn and I finally reunite, we’ve received an amazing surprise, but more on that later!

Now there’s a lot that has happened since my last post back in January and I promise to update you all as briefly as possible; buckle up and let’s get to it.

Jan through March: This period of time was full of angsty waiting while working as a leasing consultant back in Michigan and as a digital marketing intern for a company based in Helsinki. The boyf and I were trying to figure out any way for us to reunite in the future and avoid this whole long-distance thing.

I cannot even begin to explain how overwhelming it was to weed our way through several options, eventually land on one, and then attempt to get it all sorted as quickly as possible. Not only were we moving me to Finland, but also two of my cats (one is currently living with my dad in Michigan and is his little buddy!), and timing it perfectly to allow me to return to Helsinki in time to finish my last month of my internship in person while first allowing the boyf to come and meet my family. It was hectic to say the least.

But alas, he made it to Michigan and met my family. We traveled around Michigan IMG_3551sightseeing and we got engaged! He proposed at Port Huron; it was a truly perfect day as we were driving around the thumb of Michigan, stopping at different little spots along the way, and we even made a pitstop at Wilson’s Cheese Shoppe to grab some amazing cheese curds, dip, and sausage for snacks. We chowed down the entire drive home, haha.

Interested in reading about the immigration process in Finland? Check out our next post!


April: We left for Finland on April 6th. In all honesty, we probably should have postponed my coming to Finland because not only was no one in the office for all of April, but staying home to save up money would have been a smarter decision. Oh well, hindsight is always 20/20 and I’m truly grateful to have been able to spend so much time with my man. Anyway, April 6th was a day full of emotions. I was incredibly stressed out over moving to Finland, getting the cats situated with their flights, and we received a major surprise that day.

About 2 hours before we were to leave for the airport, I was standing in my mother’s bathroom staring at a big + sign in utter disbelief. I stuffed the test into my pocket and placed it in the center console of my car so I could tell my guy privately. We ended up IMG_3728taking a quick trip to the bank and I asked him to check the console. He opened it up, looked inside and goes “there’s a pregnancy test and your wallet” and then closes it, not even looking at the test! I laughed and said, “did you even look at it?!” which causes him to reopen the console, look at it, and then at me. His expression was complete shock and pretty much captured the mood of the rest of the entire day.

Our flight to Finland was filled with us, holding hands, watching movies, and occasionally looking at each other and saying “oh, shit…” while laughing. It was definitely what you’d imagine seeing in a movie!

By the end of the month we had visited a maternity clinic here in Helsinki and heard our little baby’s heartbeat. Life truly hasn’t been the same since.


May: In May, I began renegotiating a contract with the company I worked at as an intern for in Helsinki, just to come to an agreement that was revoked after they were bought out by a larger company. Literally the next day. I was devastated, because not only did I love what I was working on, but because I knew I needed some form of income while in Finland an awaiting my residence permit.

By the end of May, boyf morphed into my husband and we traveled to Estonia on our IMG_4698short but absolutely perfect honeymoon. We spent about 4 days in Old Towne walking up and down cobblestone streets and eating delicious food. We made a special trip to St. Olav’s Church and climbed to the top of the church tower to appreciate the gorgeous views.

Note: This tourist spot is not handicap-friendly and while I saw a little girl climbing the stairs to the top, I would definitely not say that it is kid-friendly either. The staircase is insanely narrow and the steps are no more than 4 inches deep. It’s a bit disorienting because it’s such a twisty staircase and there’s only a rope to hold onto, plus some people are walking up while others are walking down and each step is probably only two feet wide. After climbing to the top, I really dreaded going back down. Luckily we were one of the first few people to go up, so it wasn’t super busy until we made our way back down .

Stay tuned for my next post that ventures deeper into our honeymoon in Estonia!


June through September: Okay, so I know this is a really large lump, but there’s mostly just been routine and not much to note in these last few months. After everything with my internship ended, I focused mostly on just finishing my degree (which was conferred in August, whoop!) and taking care of this little bun in the oven.

August 1st we found out we’re expecting a baby boy and we couldn’t be more excited.IMG_5145
We’ve decided to name him after both of our grandfathers and with a name that works in both English and Finnish. Let me tell ya, figuring out a name in both languages for a girl was such a pain in the butt and we weren’t in love with our decision, so having a boy was the perfect solution! Our little man has been steadily growing and I’m nesting little by little. My parents are sending us a package of baby items in the mail because clothing and everything we need is so expensive here. We’ve been fortunate enough to have generous parents and people in our lives. Hubs’ parents built baby’s beautiful crib by hand and we finally have it situated in our bedroom.

Interested in seeing a completed nursery/master bedroom tour? Stay tuned!


So now we’re here, in modern day, enjoying the last few months as a family of two – four if you count the cats! Life has been an incredible adventure and it’s only just begun.

xo,

LP

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Love Can Hurt, Distance Doesn’t Help

I could spend forever with you and it still wouldn’t be enough.

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I’ve been told to write about that which you dwell upon and I guess you could say I’m dwelling on this.

I honestly don’t know where to begin with this. I’ve tried writing this post for the last hour and I’m still just swimming in thoughts mixed with distractions, all of which are laced with a painful reminder that I’m here and you’re there. And I just want you here.

I’ve learned a lot these last three months that I’ve spent loving you while simultaneously being in the same country as you, in the same space as you.

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Now that I’ve been spoiled with the knowledge of what it’s like to hug you, kiss you, and do all the things that we’ve done, I can’t forget it. For a year, video calls were enough for us.  Sure, we wanted more, but we knew that it would come and we knew that we would be together. I suppose we still know that, but now the moment we were looking forward to is in the rearview mirror on this road in which there is no U-turn.

I don’t even know where to begin in order to unburden myself of this heartache, but I suppose the beginning is the best.

This past October, I packed my bags and boarded a plane on my way to you. I spent 15 hours traveling and attempting to contain my excitement as I flew across the Atlantic. I had no idea what to expect and honestly I didn’t have any expectations, I just knew within my heart that the next three months would be amazing… and they were.

We’ve experienced so much together, all of which only deepened and strengthened my love for you. From our trip to the cottage in Puumala, to the weekend in Gdansk, and even our day at the zoo, every day started with waking up beside you, and ended asleep beside you. Precious moments turned into memories and I swear it happened all too fast.

I hadn’t realized how quickly three months could fly by, but now we’re here at this phase where we aren’t together anymore because over 4,000 miles separate us. After having my lips against yours every day, this distance feels insurmountable. I feel hollow without you in my life and after returning to a place I had called home with ease, it doesn’t feel like home.

I feel alone in a place I used to feel relaxed in. Your presence in my life is so potent that I can’t help but to wonder how I had gotten on without you before. I can’t even explain why I feel so sad, I just do. I can’t sleep without you anymore; at first I thought it was jet-lag, but now I know it’s more than that.

IMG_2995I was told that when you are away from home for an extended period of time, you’re never really able to fully come back. I hadn’t believed it before, but I do now. This is no longer my home. The time I spent in Finland had felt so natural that now I don’t know who I am or what to do. I spend my days here thinking about going back as quickly as possible, knowing that I won’t be able to for many months. I find myself wondering what we’ll do if the position I have at the Helsinki based company falls through and it terrifies me.

I’m not afraid that we won’t make it. I’m not afraid that the distance will win. I’m not afraid of anything to do with us; I have no doubts about the strength of our relationship, but I just feel alone. I know that it’s not easy on you either. I know that you’re forced to live in our flat alone. You walk to the shop alone and sleep in our bed without me. You’re living our life without me and I can’t even imagine how that feels.

I guess you’re right though, this is the cost of having something amazing. We have something truly amazing. It’s been over a year and I’m not only madly in love with you, but I’m not annoyed by you, and I still crave your presence. All I want is a life with you and I know that’s what you want to.

There’s been a lot of rambling in this post, but it’s just been a way to decompress and let go of some emotions… maybe this will help me stop crying randomly during the day.

-LP

Wait for the One You Truly Love

Honestly, I thought I had gone through my “crazy days.” What the heck did I know?
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I found myself at 23, a month before our first wedding anniversary, absolutely broken. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had tried putting more of myself in a marriage that I didn’t want than I’d like to admit. I was filling in patches with bubble gum and hoping that the dam wouldn’t break, but gum just isn’t strong enough. I had wanted out for years, even those years that we were “in love,” before the wedding, but I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. I didn’t want to hurt someone like that, but now I have no choice.

I remember going to a friend’s wedding with my mother about 7 months before our wedding; my mother told a fellow guest that I was getting married in the winter and she gawked at me.

“How old are you?!” was her first question, quickly followed by, “You don’t have to, you know that, right?”

I just smiled at her and said that I loved him, but I could feel the bitterness of the lie as it passed through my lips. Back then, I wasn’t willing to admit it to myself. I had already planned the whole damn thing. I wasn’t going to be the girl that called it off because she got cold feet; cold feet are normal… right? That’s what Google said.

Fast forward to the week of our wedding; I was an emotional wreck. I blamed it on the fact that I had my first official nursing school finals the week of our wedding, but I knew something was off. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified. This was more than cold feet, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I was scared. You know that kind of feeling when you’re about to make a terrible mistake, or you just did, but you feel like you’ve been locked in and there’s nothing you can do about it? Yeah, that was how I was feeling.

I didn’t feel like the blushing bride. I didn’t feel excited. I felt terrified. I felt like there was a sign above my head that said “dead man walking.” I cried constantly because I was so overwhelmed. I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t calm my nerves. My hands were constantly shaking and I was always in a cold sweat. If you’re experiencing this, my friends, don’t walk down the aisle. It is a sign.

Listen here folks, if you’re reading this because you’re having second thoughts about marrying that guy, don’t marry him. I’m serious. You will know the difference between cold feet and making a terrible mistake. Take it from me, the girl who was married at 22 and dying to be out by 23. I learned so damn much in that short stint. I learned that just because someone isn’t “that bad,” that’s not reason enough to be with them. If you think you’ll be okay staying with someone that loves you more than you love them, you won’t. You’ll feel like you’re missing out on something, because you are.

You’re missing out on what it feels like to be head-over-heels in love. Listen to me, my friends, don’t marry that guy you have doubts about. Wait for the one that you know you love beyond a shadow of a doubt. Your heart will know instantly and every mistake you made in the past, every “I love you” you uttered before, every smile you smiled towards someone else, well… they’ll all feel like a lie.

You’ll realize that you didn’t know what it felt like to love someone until you started loving them, that each smile was just a placeholder, and that you can’t spend a day without them on your mind. Hold onto that person. Cherish that person. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him how your heartbeat has changed since meeting him. Tell him how the thought of not touching his hand brings tears to your eyes. Tell him everything, every detail about you, every secret you’ve never shared. Show him your scars, the physical and those on your heart. Trust him with all that you are. Give him everything you have. Trust the “oh shit” I’m-about-to-dive-head-first-off-of-a-cliff-in-love kind of feeling. It’s real. It’s there. Don’t doubt it for a second. When you do find it, savor each moment; life passes by so quickly and before you know it, you’ll be 89 years old and missing the sound of their footsteps in the other room; so choose to enjoy their laughter, their smile, the warmth of their hand… enjoy it all while you can.

-LP