Johnny Cash has been a friend of mine for quite some time; I’ve got my daddy to thank for that.

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That man has a voice of gold and I swear, he was my spirit animal once upon a time. I mean, I was singing “Hurt” when I was 13 and filled with emotions I couldn’t understand; at 15 I loved “A Boy Named Sue.” “It Ain’t Me Babe” was a go to when dealing with a break up (Mr. Zimmerman wrote a killer, but Johnny Cash and June Carter perform it beautifully); and who doesn’t love “Folsom Prison Blues” or “Cocaine blues?” If you haven’t already, go watch Walk the Line, and if you don’t fall in love with Cash by the end of that film, you’re crazy. Who doesn’t love a bad boy with a heart of gold?

While I love Cash’s early music, “Rose of my Heart” is exquisite in his aged voice. I remember hearing it for the first time and wishing that the song was mine. Screw being the apple of your eye, I want to be the rose of your heart. When I think of love, I think of this song. Nothing else paints such a beautiful picture in my mind. Love is resting my head upon your shoulder when life gets tough. It’s holding your hand through it all. I want nothing more than to be my beloved’s soft place to land and the end of a hard day.

Take a look at these glorious lyrics written by Hugh Moffat:

So hard times or easy times, what do I care,
There’s nothing I’d change if I could.
The tears and the laughter are things that we share,
Your hand in mine makes it good.

You are the rose of my heart,
You are the love of my life.
A flower not fading nor falling apart,
You’re my harbor in life’s restless storm.

Rose of my heart.

The simplicity of the song itself makes such a massive impact. The lack of embellishments adds to the raw nature of the song; it makes it feel that much more genuine. Take a listen.

This song puts me in such a loving mood. I instantly want to curl up beside the man I love, run my fingers through his, enjoy the warmth, and close my eyes. This is a song I want to listen to during the hard times as a reminder of the love I have been blessed to feel and during the good times because I know it fills my heart with happiness. So give it a listen, you won’t be disappointed.

-LP

P.S. If you happen to fall madly in love with this precious song, click the link below to purchase it and help a blogger such as myself. 🙂

 

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One Day, I’ll Forgive Myself.

Today was supposed to be my first wedding anniversary.

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Instead I’m alone and it hurts to say that it’s because I’m choosing to be. Life would be so much damn easier if I loved him. It really would be. I tried for so long. I put in so much work. I cut off pieces of myself so I could fit into the little spot he had for me. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, I wasn’t happy. I tried tricking myself and it backfired. I tried fixing an already broken relationship with marriage (don’t ever do that, take my word for it).

Today I’m hurting.

I’m hurting because I know I’m hurting someone else. I’m hurting because I know how much it sucks to lose someone that you love. I’m hurting because it sucks having to be the bad guy. It sucks when your reaction to someone crying is to hug them and tell them you take it back, but you know you can’t do that. Not again. It hurts knowing that I’m making the right decision even though it’s the hard one. It just fucking hurts.

My heart is aching. I’ve never had to wound someone in such a terrible way and this was never my intention. I went into this marriage promising to stick it out no matter what, promising to love him no matter what, promising that I wouldn’t let go. I made so many damn promises that I just cannot keep and it kills me. It’s terrible to know that I lied to someone like that. I knew I couldn’t keep them. I knew it but I still let him offer me his heart and I gave them a tiny, barely there, sliver of mine.

It’s not fun knowing that you’ll always be the villain when they tell the story of their life. Knowing you’ll be the person their future children will wonder about is hard. The thought of the nights they’ll spend alone because of you is heartbreaking. I never meant for this to happen. I didn’t know that the pieces of myself that I had removed so damn carefully could grow back. But they did.

They grew back and I’m back to who I always was. I’m back to the person I had left behind because I was trying to play the part he had for me. I swear I memorized those damn lines. I did. I walked the walk and I talked the talk. I put in all the time and energy I could, but how can you pour out more from a cup that’s empty?

My cup is parched. It’s damn near bone dry. And I’m so sorry. It’s a hard reality to face knowing that you’re breaking up a family and sending them back to a place they thought they were done with. Back into the dating pool. Back to needing a date for weddings. Back to spending Christmases alone. I’m ruining a life he had planned for us and I know it.

But what can I do?

Am I supposed to pretend that it’s okay? Am I supposed to act like these changes he wants to make for me are good enough? That’s the worst part. He’s willing to change. He’d give it all up for me, but it’s still not enough. How terrible is that? He just isn’t it for me. My God, that’s a terrible realization.

I should have known.

He’s a good guy, he is. He’s nice and he cares about me. He loves me more than I love him and I thought I’d be okay with it, but I’m not. I signed my name on that damn dotted line and thought that guilt would never hit me in the chest like a freight train, but I was wrong. I was so wrong.

A year ago today, I was so damn terrified to walk down the aisle that I could have thrown up. I should have turned around, ripped that damn dress off of myself, and ran down the street. I wasn’t strong enough. I can admit that. I’m stronger today. I’m stronger because I told him I wanted a divorce and I let him cry alone and didn’t console him even when I wanted to. I wanted to take away the pain I had caused. I never meant to bring that into his life.

Yesterday I told him flat out that I want a divorce. Before I had just said I needed space. When I told him, I was greeted with yelling and pure rage. Which I suppose I deserve… I understand why his words came out like knives. Why I saw pure hatred in his eyes when he looked at me. Why his voice broke when he told me all he wants is a family with me; when I told him I need more than that.I knew I had it coming. I knew I deserved it. I feel terrible for making him deal with the pain I’ve caused.

What makes it worse is that I’m in love. As  much as it hurts me to hurt him, I’m in love. I am in love.

Does that make me a terrible person?

Probably.

But he makes every love song have meaning. He’s taught my heart something entirely new. He inspires me. I want to cry when I think about how full my heart is because of him. He doesn’t ask me to cut away parts of myself to fit into his plans. There’s no script to memorize with him. I wish I had known he was coming… Maybe then I really would have ran down those church stairs, hopped on a plane, and into his arms. Maybe then, today would have just been the day I almost got married.

If only.

-LP

Wait for the One You Truly Love

Honestly, I thought I had gone through my “crazy days.” What the heck did I know?
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I found myself at 23, a month before our first wedding anniversary, absolutely broken. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had tried putting more of myself in a marriage that I didn’t want than I’d like to admit. I was filling in patches with bubble gum and hoping that the dam wouldn’t break, but gum just isn’t strong enough. I had wanted out for years, even those years that we were “in love,” before the wedding, but I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. I didn’t want to hurt someone like that, but now I have no choice.

I remember going to a friend’s wedding with my mother about 7 months before our wedding; my mother told a fellow guest that I was getting married in the winter and she gawked at me.

“How old are you?!” was her first question, quickly followed by, “You don’t have to, you know that, right?”

I just smiled at her and said that I loved him, but I could feel the bitterness of the lie as it passed through my lips. Back then, I wasn’t willing to admit it to myself. I had already planned the whole damn thing. I wasn’t going to be the girl that called it off because she got cold feet; cold feet are normal… right? That’s what Google said.

Fast forward to the week of our wedding; I was an emotional wreck. I blamed it on the fact that I had my first official nursing school finals the week of our wedding, but I knew something was off. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified. This was more than cold feet, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I was scared. You know that kind of feeling when you’re about to make a terrible mistake, or you just did, but you feel like you’ve been locked in and there’s nothing you can do about it? Yeah, that was how I was feeling.

I didn’t feel like the blushing bride. I didn’t feel excited. I felt terrified. I felt like there was a sign above my head that said “dead man walking.” I cried constantly because I was so overwhelmed. I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t calm my nerves. My hands were constantly shaking and I was always in a cold sweat. If you’re experiencing this, my friends, don’t walk down the aisle. It is a sign.

Listen here folks, if you’re reading this because you’re having second thoughts about marrying that guy, don’t marry him. I’m serious. You will know the difference between cold feet and making a terrible mistake. Take it from me, the girl who was married at 22 and dying to be out by 23. I learned so damn much in that short stint. I learned that just because someone isn’t “that bad,” that’s not reason enough to be with them. If you think you’ll be okay staying with someone that loves you more than you love them, you won’t. You’ll feel like you’re missing out on something, because you are.

You’re missing out on what it feels like to be head-over-heels in love. Listen to me, my friends, don’t marry that guy you have doubts about. Wait for the one that you know you love beyond a shadow of a doubt. Your heart will know instantly and every mistake you made in the past, every “I love you” you uttered before, every smile you smiled towards someone else, well… they’ll all feel like a lie.

You’ll realize that you didn’t know what it felt like to love someone until you started loving them, that each smile was just a placeholder, and that you can’t spend a day without them on your mind. Hold onto that person. Cherish that person. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him how your heartbeat has changed since meeting him. Tell him how the thought of not touching his hand brings tears to your eyes. Tell him everything, every detail about you, every secret you’ve never shared. Show him your scars, the physical and those on your heart. Trust him with all that you are. Give him everything you have. Trust the “oh shit” I’m-about-to-dive-head-first-off-of-a-cliff-in-love kind of feeling. It’s real. It’s there. Don’t doubt it for a second. When you do find it, savor each moment; life passes by so quickly and before you know it, you’ll be 89 years old and missing the sound of their footsteps in the other room; so choose to enjoy their laughter, their smile, the warmth of their hand… enjoy it all while you can.

-LP