Being Strong is for the Weak: How to Handle the Bad Days

I don’t know about you, but sometimes life is just so damn hard.

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I can’t even begin to explain how many times I’ve felt like life is getting the best of me; let’s just say, it happens enough for me to be pretty damn sick of it. But, I must admit, life has been pretty damn near perfection lately. That being said, I totally understand how it feels to be overcome with the feelings of despair and hopelessness. I’ve been there and I know how hard it can be to look on the bright side. Hell, sometimes there just isn’t a bright side!

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, unhappy, or just plain depressed, here are some tips for when the wind just won’t blow away the storm clouds that hover above:

Change it up. I know, I know. Change is basically the last thing you want to do when life is kicking you right in the (lady) balls, but if what you’re doing is not generative, does not make you feel happy, and gives you no sense of joy whatsoever, STOP DOING IT. Plain and simple.

Leave toxic people, thoughts, and situations in the dust. I mean it. If you’re around people who make you feel like crap or are just super negative, it’s not going to help you to feel any better about your situation. You might think that their negativity won’t rub off on you, or that you’re already so damn depressed that nothing can make it worse; you’re wrong. Even if you don’t realize it, their attitudes affect you. People and our surroundings truly affect us in unimaginable ways, so why not surround ourselves with positivity and a support system that is both generative and affects us in a positive way?!

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

– Robert Tew

Give yourself the “OK” to be sad. You don’t have to be strong every moment of every day. You’re not a robot! And if you are then, hey there, you snazzy robot you, how the bleep bleep bloop is it goin’? Anyway, you’re human (I think) so allow yourself to be vulnerable and accept the fact that being broken is part of life.

As always, if you’re feeling blue or you need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to reach out.

You’ve got this!

-LP

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Take a Load Off

You Deserve Peace.

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If you’re fighting through something or you are facing adversity, you are not alone. Know that and let that sink in. There are millions of us feeling the same way as you. I know how easy it is to feel alone when you feel like the bad guy, or if you feel like you deserve to feel like crap. You don’t. I promise you, you don’t.

I came across this poem by Najwa Zebian that is honestly just fitting my life right now and I think you folks will enjoy.

these mountains that you are

carrying,

you were only supposed to

climb.

How beautiful is that? I mean truly. We all have some sort of burden that we carry with us and sometimes it’s insanely hard to escape the reality that we need to let it go. Sometimes we feel as though it’s our job, it’s our cross to bear, but that’s not always true.

We are not Atlas. We don’t need to carry the world upon our shoulders. So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed; if you’re feeling like you’ve got too much to handle, maybe it’s time to take a step back and look at the situation from another point of view. Maybe you were only meant to face these problems, not carry the burden of them with you. You deserve peace. You deserve joy. You deserve to feel happy and free. Regardless of where you are in life or of what you’ve done; you do not deserve to spend your life unhappy.

If you’ve made the hard decisions; you are brave. If you made the easy ones; you are human. If you’re facing hard times; you’ll become stronger. If you’re feeling alone, please know that you’re not. If there are consequences to deal with, deal with them. The repercussions may be great, but that doesn’t mean you cannot handle them. You can handle this. Have faith.

Take some time and forgive yourself, because if you don’t you won’t find peace. Sometimes it’s better to hurt someone than to keep living a lie. Sometimes it’s better to let go than it is to hold on. It might not seem like it at first, but give yourself some time and the truth will be revealed. Sometimes the hard decisions are the ones that need to be made. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one nonetheless.

Darling, just love yourself. Love others. Love life. Just Love.

-LP

P.S. If you’re interested in reading more poems by Najwa Zebian and supporting a starving blogger, like myself, click the link below and check out The Nectar of Pain.

One Day, I’ll Forgive Myself.

Today was supposed to be my first wedding anniversary.

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Instead I’m alone and it hurts to say that it’s because I’m choosing to be. Life would be so much damn easier if I loved him. It really would be. I tried for so long. I put in so much work. I cut off pieces of myself so I could fit into the little spot he had for me. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, I wasn’t happy. I tried tricking myself and it backfired. I tried fixing an already broken relationship with marriage (don’t ever do that, take my word for it).

Today I’m hurting.

I’m hurting because I know I’m hurting someone else. I’m hurting because I know how much it sucks to lose someone that you love. I’m hurting because it sucks having to be the bad guy. It sucks when your reaction to someone crying is to hug them and tell them you take it back, but you know you can’t do that. Not again. It hurts knowing that I’m making the right decision even though it’s the hard one. It just fucking hurts.

My heart is aching. I’ve never had to wound someone in such a terrible way and this was never my intention. I went into this marriage promising to stick it out no matter what, promising to love him no matter what, promising that I wouldn’t let go. I made so many damn promises that I just cannot keep and it kills me. It’s terrible to know that I lied to someone like that. I knew I couldn’t keep them. I knew it but I still let him offer me his heart and I gave them a tiny, barely there, sliver of mine.

It’s not fun knowing that you’ll always be the villain when they tell the story of their life. Knowing you’ll be the person their future children will wonder about is hard. The thought of the nights they’ll spend alone because of you is heartbreaking. I never meant for this to happen. I didn’t know that the pieces of myself that I had removed so damn carefully could grow back. But they did.

They grew back and I’m back to who I always was. I’m back to the person I had left behind because I was trying to play the part he had for me. I swear I memorized those damn lines. I did. I walked the walk and I talked the talk. I put in all the time and energy I could, but how can you pour out more from a cup that’s empty?

My cup is parched. It’s damn near bone dry. And I’m so sorry. It’s a hard reality to face knowing that you’re breaking up a family and sending them back to a place they thought they were done with. Back into the dating pool. Back to needing a date for weddings. Back to spending Christmases alone. I’m ruining a life he had planned for us and I know it.

But what can I do?

Am I supposed to pretend that it’s okay? Am I supposed to act like these changes he wants to make for me are good enough? That’s the worst part. He’s willing to change. He’d give it all up for me, but it’s still not enough. How terrible is that? He just isn’t it for me. My God, that’s a terrible realization.

I should have known.

He’s a good guy, he is. He’s nice and he cares about me. He loves me more than I love him and I thought I’d be okay with it, but I’m not. I signed my name on that damn dotted line and thought that guilt would never hit me in the chest like a freight train, but I was wrong. I was so wrong.

A year ago today, I was so damn terrified to walk down the aisle that I could have thrown up. I should have turned around, ripped that damn dress off of myself, and ran down the street. I wasn’t strong enough. I can admit that. I’m stronger today. I’m stronger because I told him I wanted a divorce and I let him cry alone and didn’t console him even when I wanted to. I wanted to take away the pain I had caused. I never meant to bring that into his life.

Yesterday I told him flat out that I want a divorce. Before I had just said I needed space. When I told him, I was greeted with yelling and pure rage. Which I suppose I deserve… I understand why his words came out like knives. Why I saw pure hatred in his eyes when he looked at me. Why his voice broke when he told me all he wants is a family with me; when I told him I need more than that.I knew I had it coming. I knew I deserved it. I feel terrible for making him deal with the pain I’ve caused.

What makes it worse is that I’m in love. As  much as it hurts me to hurt him, I’m in love. I am in love.

Does that make me a terrible person?

Probably.

But he makes every love song have meaning. He’s taught my heart something entirely new. He inspires me. I want to cry when I think about how full my heart is because of him. He doesn’t ask me to cut away parts of myself to fit into his plans. There’s no script to memorize with him. I wish I had known he was coming… Maybe then I really would have ran down those church stairs, hopped on a plane, and into his arms. Maybe then, today would have just been the day I almost got married.

If only.

-LP

You’re Sweet. I’m Sassy.

Relationships aren’t always peaches n’ cream.

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I’m sure we all have an idea as to how difficult relationships can be. That being said, it’s important to realize that loving that person shouldn’t be the difficult part. The difficult part should be the outside forces that are working on it. I’ve been in both types of relationships.

I’ve had to force myself to love someone and I’ve had to try to calm my tits about loving another. I have to say, I’m a pretty lucky gal to have experienced (be experiencing) a love like that. But shit still gets hard. You can’t always control your circumstances, but you can deal with the waves as they come. So deal with them.

Put in the work. Wake up early for that person; go to bed late for them. Do little things to show them that you care about their thoughts and feelings. Put yourself out there and show them how much love you have in your heart. You have to fill up their love bank so they’ve got something to hold onto on a rainy day. You are responsible for that. Sure, the modern world tells us that we should find joy in ourselves or things, but it’s not true. It doesn’t make you weak to have a bit of dependence on someone, it makes you brave.

You are brave for loving that person because people leave. They do. It’s not easy when it happens, but quite frankly, without the experience of pure and utter shit, you wouldn’t know what true love and joy feels like. So trust your heart, it might get a bit banged up, but it’s worth it.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed with the thought that something is missing, look at yourself. Look at your emotions and how you are perceiving the situation. Don’t blame it on the other person’s inability to be all that you want at every moment of the day; if you do that, you’re bound to be let down. Don’t expect perfection; expect imperfection and love them for it. Love them for trying.

I am so guilty of expecting myself to be perfect all the time and punishing myself when I’m not. It’s not fair to me and, quite frankly, it’s not fair to him. It’s something that I’m working on, but hey, I’m imperfect and hopefully he can love those sneaky imperfections while they morph into some form of a more emotionally stable person.

Life is hard. Once you get used to the idea that everyone is a bit banged up, it makes it easier to forgive yourself for the bumps and bruises you’re trying to mend. If you’re hurting, go lick your wounds. Take care of yourself. Open that Ben and Jerry’s pint and dive right in, the calories don’t count when your eyes are filled with tears, at least that’s what momma always told me.

Shane Koyczan said it best, “sadness is nothing more than the cost of being able to smile once in a while,” and it’s so damn true. You can’t have one without the other. I’m sure you’ve gone through some crap, those experiences might be running through your head right now, but just remember this, if you haven’t found the person who makes you forget about the shit-storm that is life, they’ll be there soon. Maybe their train is a bit late, who knows. Don’t worry though, they’ll show up and when they do, it’s okay to ask them, “what took you so long?” Odds are, they’ll tell you they’ve been unknowingly running in your direction for years.

-LP